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Love will never reject others. It is the first to encourage and the last to condemn. |
Parenting
Living with and Loving
Adolescents I live with six children. Three of the children, to be politically correct, are hormonally challenged. I am quite thankful for the term “hormonally challenged,” since I have said much less appealing terms to describe my adolescents. Terms like “alien children“ and “creatures from beyond” had crept into my vocabulary in describing my experiences with adolescents. In my youthful mommy days and dreams, I knew that there would be no generation gap with my adolescents. I would listen patiently, remind gently, shop enthusiastically, and talk rationally over any minor disturbances that we might have. We would be seen arm-in-arm at the mall being “in tune and at peace” with each other. All of the other teens would come over to my house since I would be the only mother who would really understood their thoughts, feelings, and wishes. I would be the epitome of cool. The words, “I told you so,” “do your homework,” “you're grounded” and “hand over the keys,” would never leave my lips. Now with the help of reality therapy and three in-residence adolescents, I realize that I really do not want my children to live with me forever. In fact, we are only looking at college catalogs that require a passport or student visa for our oldest child. More importantly, and much more on the serious side, I have come to the conclusion that my teenagers need me even more than the mommy who knows the score and is their friend. The following are some points that I have found helpful in traveling the maze of adolescent/parent relationships. Mothering Turns to Parenting as Children Grow into Adolescence Living with adolescents has made me readjust my feelings from a “mothering” mode to a “parenting” mode. A dear friend, who happens to be a counselor, made a very accurate remark about why I was not enjoying my children as much as I had when they were babes in arms. He stated that I loved mothering, but was not crazy about parenting. With that revelation, I realized that I was still wanting to “mother” my adolescents by trying to put band-aids on their woes, hurts, and needs. What my children really needed was parenting, not mothering. And, folks, parenting is much less fun than mothering. Mothering provides instant gratification, whereas parenting, many times, provides instant hostility. Mothering means solving the problems for your child and putting Band aids on their physical and emotional wounds. Parenting, on the other hand, means setting boundaries, enforcing rules, and leading, (sometimes dragging) your children down the road to be responsible well-adjusted adults. This realization that my skills as a mother need to change as my children test their limits and my patience has been a tremendous help in coping with the challenges of raising adolescents. Knowing What Is Typical of Adolescents Alleviates Some Worry Understanding the changes that my children are undergoing as a normal part of the process has also helped me better cope with these changes. With my first child well into adolescence, I had begun to envision myself sitting on a talk show with the likes of well known serial killers’ mothers. While one serial killer’s mother was being interviewed, the others of us would be comparing how things had begun to go wrong in the early teen years and all of the “if only’s” we could muster as our private lives with our children passed before us on a national talk show. Sitting with other mothers at the local swim club and baseball games gave me confidence, however, that my son was not doing any thing drastically different from any of the other thirteen year olds that were in his junior high school class. Several trips to the local book store and library also reassured me that most of the change that I was seeing was not due to a profound personality split, but a normal, however irritating, process called adolescence. Forgetfulness, irritability, power plays, manipulation, the growing desire for privacy, the need for peer approval, and the importance of new friendships were all listed in books that described the typical adolescent. While I did not like the printed description any better than the up-close behavior I saw at my house, I did feel relieved that what my son was going through was as normal as the existence of Clearasil in the bathroom cabinet. Deciding The “Bigs” Is Essential As parents seek to guide their children through adolescence, it is essential to decide on the “bigs” The “bigs” are the issues that you remain firm on, while the “littles” are the issues that are basically not worth fighting over. I have learned that some issues are not worth the battle that it takes and we, as parents, must reserve our energy and authority for the “bigs.” I typically count the “bigs” as issues that will have a lasting effect on the children, their safety, their character and their future. Smaller issues like loud music, clothes, haircuts, and room decor, such girly posters on the ceiling, generally fall into the “little” category. With the daily small issues, I do try to remember and correlate some aspect of their behavior to mine at their same age. I am certain that the music of the Beatles, my boyfriend’s long hair, my mini skirt, and black light posters did not delight my very conservative parents. In retrospect, however, these transgressions seem pretty harmless in comparison with the “bigs” like drugs, alcohol, peer pressure, pregnancy, AIDS and cult activities. I would love to tell you that parenting adolescents is fun, rewarding, and filled with the same kind of warm fuzzies that you got from your child in four year old kindergarten. It is not. It is hard work that tests your patience, elevates your blood pressure, and deflates your ego as well as your bank account. But, parenting an adolescent can be made easier by realizing that your parenting style must change to meet your child’s growing needs. Your child does not need you less now; he needs you differently. Recognizing the typical stages of an adolescent also makes coping easier--not fun, but easier. Finally, realizing that you cannot take every issue to task, helps to refocus your efforts into addressing what I call the “bigs” in your child’s life. Chances are that your teenager will not walk into corporate America fifteen years from now with a rat tail, tank top, earring, and baseball cap turned backwards. The key is to keep them safe from the big issues, not the nit picky ones that just drive you crazy. A well-respected older friend gave me a useful analogy of our children and a new car. He stated, “Everyone wants a new baby and a new car. . . fresh smelling with no mileage. But by the time the car and the baby are about thirteen years old, you can't give either of them away. What you hope for is to love and cherish the thirteen year old. Do not bend the fenders of either one and do not damage either car or child with scars that cannot be repaired. Before too long the car and the child will be twenty-five. If both are kept in good condition during the tough years, they will be considered classics and everyone will crave to be in their presence once again.” Good luck with turning your adolescent into a classic! June Bond, B.A., M.Ed., is an adoption caseworker, adoptive parent of six, and frequent contributor to Roots and Wings. This article is reprinted from Roots and Wings Adoption Magazine, vol. 8, no. 1, Summer 1996. Subscriptions are available for $19.95 per year ($36 for two). Send your check to: Roots and Wings, P.O. Box 638, Chester, NJ 07930. Or call 908-637-8828, fax 908-637-4259, e-mail adoption@world2u.com http://www.adopting.org/rw.html. Parents and Teen Self-Esteem TIPS FOR PARENTS Being a teenager can be tough. Teenagers often doubt themselves. They have a very shaky sense of who they are because they are going through many changes. Sensitive to things said to them or about them, they quickly move between wanting to be in the spotlight and wanting to fade totally out of sight. When teens are going through their most difficult periods, they still need their parents' support. It is also the time when they are likely to be the least pleasant to their parents. This makes it hard for parents to give teens what they need. One of the most important roles parents can play is that of ego-builder. Here are some ego builders to use with your teen:
Teens grow through the experience of making their own decisions. They need to discover for themselves what they are good at and what they are not so good at. Parents cannot protect their teens from making mistakes or experiencing pain, but they can be there to provide a supportive environment for their teen. TIPS FOR TEENS Just as it is tough for you to deal with all the changes you are going through, it is difficult for your parents, too. Here are some ideas to help you and your parents communicate better:
Recommended Reading:
Reprinted from “Caring Is Sharing Your Home” Newsletter, September/October 1989, vol. 26, published by the Maine Foster Parents Association, Bangor Maine. Helping Teen Get the Help They Need
Chain
Yanking and Other Pit Falls I have found that a teens memory is excellent when it comes to remembering any little things the foster parent did which was not to the kid’s liking. They are extremely forgetful when it comes to following the rules and accepting responsibility. Be sure to keep the conversation ‘on track.’ Do not let them deflect you when they say things like, “You did it too.” My answer is generally something like, “At the moment, we are discussing your actions. We can discuss mine at a later time.” You will get kids who will try to yank your chain at any opportunity. They say things like, “You don’t understand teenagers because you are old.” I generally respond by saying “Yes, I am old but remember, I was a teenager once. I have raise four teenagers of my own and am now in the process of trying to raise you who are one of many foster children. I believe that I have developed the credentials and experience to understand what raising a teenager is all about.” Do not allow yourself to be put on the defensive. It’s a mistake to say something like “That’s the third time you have done that, after I told you not to.” Their immediate response will be “When were the other times?” You are now on the defensive. You cannot make your point if you are on the defensive. When I hear comments like: “I always lose!” or “You are always right!” I know I am on solid ground. Charles D. Slate is foster parent and author of There are No Bad Kids published by 1st Books, 205 N College Ave. Bloomington, MIN 47404. 1.Ignore your child - they will seek attention elsewhere. 2.Do not participate in their school activities - they will seek the education and get attention on the streets. 3.Don’t get to know their friends - they will hang around those who impress them the most (usually those with negative lifestyles.) 4.Let him/her watch all the television they want to - there’s plenty of sex and violence on TV. 5.Don’t take them to church - the gang members will take them - for the funeral. Courtesy of R. Robinson, Los Angeles Co. Probation Department. Piercing: What You Need To Know Prepare yourself for this year’s fashion trend — body piercing. By now, many parents are used to seeing teens sporting rings in an eyebrow, a nostril or a belly button. This fad, known as body piercing, communicates status, fashion hipness, and unfortunately, disease. “We see kids who do this together at home and at parties. Hepatitis B, AIDS and other blood-borne infections are our biggest concerns,” says Barbara Staggers, MD, FAAP, Director of Adolescent Medicine, Children’s Hospital, Oakland, CA, and member of the American Academy of Pediatrics’ committee on adolescence. Kids can have these without knowing and pass them on to others when they share “piercers.” Just because your son wants a ring through his nose doesn’t mean you can lead him with it. “Some kids are going to pierce without parental approval,” says Dr. Staggers. Here’s what you need to do before, during and after: Get kids vaccinated. If they haven’t had hepatitis B shots, talk to their doctors about them. Communicate and negotiate. Keep the piercing subject open. Find out what it means to them. Think about what’s negotiable. (One or two earrings may be acceptable; five may not be.) and aim for compromise. Offer assistance. Help your child find a reputable parlor or doctor to ensure the use of sterile needles. They can also steer piercing away from problem sites like knees, elbows and ankles. Set an ear limit: “Too many in an ear can lead to cartilage damage and to chronic infection,” warns Dr. Stagger. Insist on the recommended post-piercing hygiene. A topical antibiotic may be advised, depending on the area. See a doctor if you suspect infection.Helping Your Teen Quit Smoking Nearly all first tobacco use occurs before high school graduation. If you can keep them from using tobacco when they are adolescents, most people will never start using tobacco. The US Center of Disease Control 2002 Tobacco Survey found that 13% of middle school students used some tobacco within the last month and 28% of high school students. Most young people report they have tried to quit. If your child has already started smoking, there are things you can do to help them kick the habit. The CDC recommends the following:
• How long has the child been smoking? • How many cigarettes a day do you smoke? • What triggers your urge to smoke? • Do you smoke on a regular schedule or randomly? • Do you have morning cravings? • Have you tried to quit in the past? • Why you have problems quitting or staying off cigarettes.
Three ways to quit -
Gum or Patch - Which is right for you - 1. Do you smoke at irregular intervals (such as more in the evening) 2. Want to relieve cravings as they occur throughout the day. 3. Want something to occupy your hands. If you answer yes to 2-3 of the above questions, nicotine gum may be your best choice. 1. Smoke at regular intervals (such as once every 30 minutes) 2. Want a once-a-day convenience 3. Prefer not to chew gum If you answer yes to 2-3 of the above, the patch may work well. Preparing to Quit
5 D’s to Getting Through a Tough Time
Helping your teen through the “crazies”
“I’m too strong to give in to smoking.” “I’m a non-smoker now.” “I don’t want to let my friends and family down.”
1) It can't be a fire hazard -- there have to be clear paths through the room so that you can navigate across the room safely. 2) It can't be a “bug-attractor” -- no food in the room, no food wrappers or anything that is yummy looking to a bug. As my exterminator will attest to, I hate bugs, and will let loose an entire can of Raid on a single ant if it's inside my house. 3) My daughter can keep her clothes where she'd like, but she can't expect me to replace them if they are abused, iron them if they get wrinkled, or wash them if they're not in the hamper on laundry day. (And when my daughter heard that scorpions and spiders love piles of clothing, her clothing got picked up pretty quickly and has been much better since then!) 4) She pays for replacement of any property (hers, mine, school's, or anyone's) that gets damaged in her room due to misuse or abuse due to a messy room or neglect. My daughter's room is not neat-as-a-pin, however, it is reasonable most of the time, so it works pretty well." Source: www.parentsoup.com
14 Tips on Teens QUOTE Understand that teens are often self-involved. They are concerned about the immediate issue and not how their behavior affects others. This is normal behavior. It is difficult to empower teens to always make the right choices that satisfy everyone. Here are 14 Basic Tips on Teens that have helped many a family.
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Foster and Adoptive Care Association
of Minnesota |
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