Communicating with the Court   by Brad Schmidt

One of the most frequent laments of foster parents is the helpless feeling we have when the court orders one of our children back to a home or other situation which we feel is not appropriate. It sometimes seems as if the system ignores the knowledge and input foster parents could add to the decision process. In June, the Olmsted County Foster Parents Association invited one of our local judges for a question-and-answer period in which we were able to exchange our views on the foster parents’ role in court proceedings. We strove to keep the meeting professional and non-emotional and stuck to issues rather than long descriptions of single cases. The judge was quite receptive to our contention that we were uniquely qualified to inform the court of the progress (or lack of progress) by our children and/or their families. As a result of our meeting, the judge invited us to document some of our main points in a letter to the administrative judge in Olmsted County to facilitate discussion and education by the judges in their normal administrative meetings. I have selected excerpts from the letter sent by the county foster care association. I believe the chance to exchange views was very helpful, and I suggest that local association chapters consider inviting judges to a meeting. I would also invite any local chapter to send a letter to your local judges explaining our ability and willingness to participate in our children’s court proceedings. Feel free to use or adapt the following excerpts from our letter, as they fit your needs.

Dear Judge,

Thank you for taking the time to meet with the Olmsted County Foster Parent Association. It was helpful for us to hear some of your perspectives and insights, and we hope we were able to provide you with some of our perspectives on children in foster care. As a follow-up to our meeting, I would like to review a few of our opinions and concerns regarding foster children and their involvement in court proceedings.

1. As foster parents, we are with our foster children everyday. We see them on good days, bad days, before and after visits with their natural family. We attend school conferences, help with homework and meet with their friends. As such, we feel we are in a unique position to provide you with input on how well things are going (from their perspective) and how much progress they have made. We are very rarely asked to share this information with the court. In some cases, the social worker or the guardian may consult us prior to the court hearing. However, if they do not agree with our assessment, there is little likelihood that our viewpoint will be communicated. We can appreciate that there will be differences of opinion and we realize our desires may not coincide with the court's decision. However, we do think it would benefit the children if our input is available to you as you make difficult decisions.

2. We would appreciate notice of court hearing for our children. We are currently notified only if the social worker informs us of the hearing. If we were notified independently we could decide if there is important information to be shared.

3. You commented that as a Judge you do not have an opportunity to "check up" on foster children between court dates to see if your orders are being followed. We can understand how impossible it would be for you to become involved in each and every case. Given these facts, we believe the families would be much better served if a single Judge followed each family, not trading judges based on calendars. This continuity would give you the opportunity to better understand the family situation as circumstances change, and be in a better position to satisfy yourself that your orders have been implemented.

Many of the decisions you make regarding children in care are based on subjective evaluations of the family’s case. The suggestions we have made are intended to provide you with the best possible information upon which you base your decisions. It is very easy in the current system to have the information "filtered" before it reaches you. We will not agree with every decision of the court (as you said, half the people usually disagree with you on each case). However, we would feel better knowing our input was heard and considered as you make your decisions.

Sincerely,

Olmsted County Foster Care Association

Connecting With Birth Families   by Amy Peterson, New Hampshire Foster Share

This adorable little girl (I have still not fully accepted that she is now a beautiful young woman) named Faith (not her real name) came to live with us when she was twenty months old and stayed with us for over five years until her subsequent adoption. It was very clear from the beginning of the placement that Faith would never return home. So here is a child whose biological parents’ rights have been terminated, and who has been adopted into a loving and supportive home. What is the importance of connecting with primary parents in such a case?

Now that Faith is a young adult (okay, I admit it), she has become curious about her past and her biological parents. She is hungry for information. Not where they live or how she can reach them. She is anxious to know who they were, what parts of them are in her. What was the home she was born into like? Was her mother’s hair curly like hers? That blanket that she always use to hang on to; did they give it to her? Did her father ever carry her on his shoulders; because she thinks she remembers that? It seems to me that over the course of a foster child’s childhood we as the foster parents are often the greatest connection to who they are and where they have been. Much of their memory during this stressful period can be blocked, or perhaps they were just too young to remember. Since that visit with Faith I have given some thought to my work with primary parents. We try our best to take lots of pictures, to save report cards and merit badges; but these are just things. I feel lucky and thankful for each opportunity I took to interact with Faith’s parents. I made an effort to get to know them, to understand their situation and their relationship to their children. It gives me so much pleasure to be able to reach into my memories and share them with Faith. We take so much for granted, let so many opportunities slide. The truth is that every connection is vital. Every phone call, every visit, every idle conversation; each interaction that we have with primary families helps us to understand who they are and where they are coming from. This can only aide us in our work to help them grow and learn to parent effectively. And as is the case with Faith, each of those connections is a gift that we may someday be lucky enough to share with our foster children. By the way, Faith’s mother’s hair was not curly at all – but it was the same shining brown color as Faith’s. And I can still see her father’s smile as Faith sat up on his shoulders tugging at his thick curly hair.

Reprinted with permission from Foster Share, February 1999, published by the New Hampshire Department of Health and Human Services, division for Children Youth and Families, Foster Care Unit. Contact the editor at 603-868-7804 or e-mail amypetersn@aol.com, or visit them on the web at http://top.monad.net/~jfeuer/fostshar.html.

Helping Your Foster/Adoptive Child Make Connections

Can you remember a time when grandmother, father, older siblings or some other significant person has said to you, "Oh, you remember so-and-so—you met her at the Smiths the summer we got together at their camp for a barbecue?" Nearly everyone has had a similar experience. We may remember vaguely, clearly, or not at all the person, place or thing in question. If we don't remember the whole episode, we have the person who called on us to remember, willing to help us fill in the missing pieces.

For adopted children who have spent time in foster care, many of their memories are like our vague ones. The sad part is that many foster children no longer have contact with anyone associated with those vague memories, so there is no one to help them fill in the missing pieces. Life books can help, but even these are often incomplete. Taking the time, with the help of a therapist, to go over your child's life experiences with him or her may be very useful. It can help your child sort out what is fact and what is fantasy and help your child put his or her developmental process into perspective.

A foster child re-visited his former foster home recently after a six-year lapse in contact. The foster parent says that for that child it was "like coming out of a coma." The boy, who had shared her home for most of his preschool life, had been in six foster homes, two group homes, and was now in a specialized foster home since leaving her care. The boy animatedly ran from the front door to the kitchen saying, "We had birds when I was here, and you kept them right there!" "I remember I fell out of that tree out back and broke my arm!" The flood of memories was tremendous, and the boy was able to talk about a past that he'd nearly forgotten existed. Knowing where he had been and that there is a person back there who loved him then, and still does, is important to his sense of trust, his sense of who he is, and his self-esteem.

We aren’t always able to provide that kind of continuity for children, but when we can it does so much to help with continued growth. Remember that without a foundation you can't start to build a house. The same is true of relationships.

Photos and videos, old letters, cards, storybooks signed by the giver—all these things are important to the child’s ability to connect with his other past. Since some children will associate items with some not-so-pleasant events in their lives, it’s important for a therapist to monitor reactions and to assist in selecting what to introduce and when.

Reprinted with permission from the Caring and Sharing Your Home Newsletter, November 1993, vol. 72, published by the Maine Foster Parent Association.

How do you break the ice on the first visit to your home? By Amy Peterson

At my house it’s all about the table . . . and what’s on it. Sometimes it might be a big bowl of fresh popcorn, sometimes a partially completed jigsaw puzzle. I might leave some of the child’s recent school papers or home work that needs to be completed lying in view. Something to do or talk about that is non-confrontational is a great way to get people to relax and feel more comfortable in your home.

Try to avoid things that would inhibit interaction like TV or magazines, and instead look for things that will encourage conversation.

Do you have any good ideas for welcoming visiting families into your home? Visit The New Hampshire Foster Parent Corner at: http://home.sprynet.com/sprynet/paq and post your ideas, or contact the editor. They will reprint the best ones in the next issue of Foster Share.

Putting Children First  Dr. Wade F. Horn

Editors’ note: The following article was written for divorce situations in which fathers don’t live with their children. Foster placements have many similarities. As you read, substitute "birth parent" for father and "foster parent" for mother. Foster parents can empower birth families to have a positive role in their children’s lives, as appropriate. Be sure to set appropriate limits and get your social worker’s support. You may be able to send photographs, copies of report cards, the child’s artwork.

The hardest part about being a divorced or unwed father, especially if you do not have joint custody of your children, is staying in touch with your kids. All too frequently, divorced fathers are treated as if the only thing of value that they have to contribute to their children is money. Far too little recognition and support is given to the importance of fathers remaining an active part of their children’s lives following a divorce. Yet research consistently shows that one of the best predictors of a child’s well being following a divorce is whether both parents maintain a strong relationship with the child. Here are some tips for being a good dad despite a divorce, especially if you do not live with your children.

Be accessible to your children

The big disadvantage non-resident divorced dads have, compared to in-home married dads, is that they are far less accessible to their children. It is simply harder for children of divorce to see their dad when they need to when the father is not living in their home. So the most important thing you will need to work on is making sure that you remain accessible to your children. Let your children know that whatever the time of day, you are available to them. Give them your daily schedule and instruct co-workers to interrupt you any time your children call. At home, be available to your kids no matter what hour they may call.

• Phone them--a lot   Calling your children almost every day reassures them that, although you no longer live with them, you haven’t forgotten about them. Also encourage your children to call you as frequently as they wish, and make sure they have both your home and work phone number.
• Write letters    Phone calls are easier, but letters are more long lasting. Whenever your children need a "daddy fix," they can get out your letters and read them. You might also want to consider making audiotapes of yourself reading a bedtime story or just telling your children how much you love them.
• Develop an interest in those things your children are interested in   Sharing a hobby or sport interest with each of your kids helps to solidify your relationship and provides assurances of time spent together.
• Keep your commitments to them    Every child of divorce struggles with whether their parents will eventually abandon them. Don’t give your children reason to believe this will happen by making promises you don’t keep. So if you say you are going to come by the softball game after school, make sure you do. Most importantly, make scheduled visitation times the very last thing you cancel.
• Make your home an inviting place for your children    Hang photographs of your children in your home. Put their drawings or schoolwork on your refrigerator. These gestures help your children understand that even though they are not living with you, they are a continual part of your life. 
• Keep visits simple    Your children need a father, not a special events coordinator. Avoid over scheduling your time together. And you don’t have to make every weekend like a trip to Disneyland.
• Continue to act like a dad   Part of the work of fatherhood is discipline. Children don’t like that part, but it is essential to their well being. Sometimes divorced fathers are so afraid of losing their children’s love, that they become reluctant to discipline them. But the divorce didn’t lessen your child’s need for discipline. In fact, it may have increased it. Your children need a father who is willing to mete out discipline, not a year-round Santa Claus.
• Support and honor the mother of your children   One of the hardest things about being a divorced dad is continuing to work together with the mother of your children to raise your children well. But continued conflict between the mother and father is the best predictor of poor outcomes for children of divorce. Learn to keep any lingering feelings or resentment in check. This, of course, is easier said than done. But if your are successful at keeping hostility and conflict between you and your children’s mother to an absolute minimum, your children will benefit greatly. It may also help ensure that your former wife will be supportive of your continuing involvement with the kids. 

Being a good dad is hard work. Being a good divorced dad can be even harder. But every time you think it’s hard for you, remember it’s even harder for your kids. So, as difficult as it may be, be as honorable and generous as possible. At times this will feel nearly impossible; but in the end, your children need you to display these traits most of all.

The information in this article is provided by an excerpt from Dr. Wade F. Horn, a clinical child psychologist and co-author of the New Father Book, recently released by Better Homes and Gardens. This article is reprinted with permission from "The Advocate," October 1998, published by the Olmsted County Action Program, 1421 SE 3rd Ave., Rochester, MN 55904, tel. 507-285-8785.

Raising Grandchildren  by Marianne Takas

Nell loved being a mother, but she was glad when her three children were grown. Widowed and remarried, she was ready to have some time for herself. Yet when Nell's daughter, Mandy, was nineteen, problems began. Mandy went for walks and got lost. She got in fights. She even began hearing voices that weren't there. Mandy had mental illness, the doctors said. She also was pregnant. If Mandy knew who the father was, she wasn't telling. Nell and her husband Jim soon realized that, if Mandy's child was to stay in the family, it was up to them.

If you, like Nell, are raising one or more grandchildren, you're not alone. Today, nearly a million families in the U.S. are made up of grandparents raising their grandchildren. In fact, almost one child in twenty lives in a home headed by a grandparent, without the parents there. Some grandparents have the legal status of foster parents, while others have legal custody of their grandchildren. Some have no legal status at all—at least until a problem arises.

There have always been grandparents raising grandchildren. Sometimes, this is so the parents can work or go to school. More often it's because the parents are having drug or other serious problems.

According to the American Association of Retired Persons, these are the most common reasons grandparents need to care for their grandchildren:.

Raising grandchildren can be stressful, but at least you've had more practice than when you were raising your own children. With time, you may find you have strengths you never knew you had.

Making peace with the children's parents may be one of your biggest challenges. No matter how many ways they've fallen short, they are still important to your grandchildren. If you can help your grandchildren keep something positive in their lives from their parents, it's a big help to them. This means:

Setting limits. If a parent shows up drunk or high and wants to take your grandchild for a ride, it's not okay. The child's safety must come first.

Encouraging the good. If there are ways that your grandchildren can safely spend time with a parent — for example, at your home or another relative's — this will be a big help to the children.

Allowing a child to grieve. If a parent has died, gone away, or behaved in a hurtful way, your grandchildren will have feelings of sadness and anger. Try to let them know that these feelings are natural and even healthy. Most children can benefit from counseling to help with these painful feelings.

Being creative. If a parent is in jail, you can help your grandchild write letters and send pictures. If a parent has died, you could help make a scrapbook with pictures and memories.

Being an example. It's getting children the services they need. To find your local groups, call the National Foster Parent Association at 815-455 2427. [In Minnesota call the Minnesota Foster Care Association, 612-333-2943 for information on state and local associations.]

Al-Anon Family Groups. If your grandchild's parent is involved with drugs or alcohol, the self-help group Al-Anon can be a wonderful help to you. Call local telephone information to find a local group.

Family mediation services. There may be local services, free or low cost, to help families work out agreements about the care of children. Try calling any local community centers, and also the local court that handles custody agreements, and asking if they offer family mediation services.

Today Mandy's daughter, Olivia, is a lively three year old, who's been raised since birth by Nell and her husband, Jim. Mandy lives in a halfway house for young adults with mental illness, and visits the family on weekends. Nell loves her granddaughter, but she gets so tired. Every day she prays for strength. "Sometimes I feel angry," says Nell. "We have so many worries, and money is so tight. We see other people our age who can relax and enjoy themselves, and it doesn’t seem fair. But then I look at Olivia, and I'm thankful that we're able to do this. When we're gone, at least we'll have made a difference in Olivia's life."

This article was written by Marianne Takas and is adapted from the book "Grandparents Raising Grandchildren: A Guide to Finding Help and Hope." The book includes information on financial help the legal system, and meeting your grandchild's needs. Reprinted from C.A.F.A.P. News, Summer 1997, vol. 1-7, published by the Connecticut Association of Foster and Adoptive Parents.

Separating Siblings: Guiding Principles by Robert O’Connor

Legislative and programmatic intent in Minnesota is to keep siblings together in foster care and adoption as much as possible. In some cases, though, siblings have never lived together. Sometimes one child is born after the older sibling has been placed into foster care, or the unique demands of parenting one of the siblings are so great it is difficult to find a family able to appropriately meet each child's individual needs. Child placing agencies planning to facilitate separate adoptive placements of siblings are required to get prior approval by the Department of Human Services (DHS)--even if the kids have never been together in foster care. The following guidelines, implemented by DHS in 1993, are used in responding to such requests:

• Children have an inherent right to maintain their sibling relationships and live with their siblings when possible.
• The county agency has explored all available resources to find a permanent placement which will allow siblings to live together.
• Siblings who are separated for the purpose of adoption or are placed in different foster homes must have the opportunity for access to one another.

Requests to separate siblings must include the following written documentation:

• No permanent adoptive or foster home placement is available which would allow the siblings to live together; and/or
• Psychiatric, psychological, emotional, behavioral, or other documented factors preclude the siblings’ ability to live together.
• Efforts expended to place siblings in the same foster or adoptive home.
• Agency plan for continued contact among siblings.

Robert O’Connor is "sibling specialist" with DHS. He can be reached at 612-282-5307, and indicates that the department hopes to draft more detailed procedures regarding siblings- including specific case examples and circumstances, practice issues, and outcomes.

This article is reprinted from "MARNmemo" June-July 1998, a publication of the Minnesota Adoption Resource Network, Inc. (MARN). MARN is a statewide nonprofit organization whose focus is children in out-of-home care, particularly those who wait for adoptive families. Programs include recruitment and training of prospective adoptive and foster parents, publication of Minnesota’s Waiting Children, a photo-listing magazine, management of the State Adoption Exchange, and advocacy and support to adoptive and foster families throughout the state. For more information, call 612-861-7115.

Supporting Foster Parents  by Dr. Frank Kunstal

All too often, foster parents are quite simply taken for granted, neither treated as necessary, nor appropriately respected for their critical role in the care of vulnerable and needy children. We have growing numbers of children who are increasingly disturbed, and we need to maintain the homes we have and add more. Yet immersed as we are in the care of troubled, sometimes enigmatic children, many of us find it easier to remember the techniques and interventions of change, forgetting what really matters in the lives of these youngsters: caring, nurturing, committed families.

As the positive outcome of what foster parents do in caring for these children, we see enduring successes—secure, attached, and happier children and many on the path from bad beginnings to better endings. I thought in this column that I would focus on the bigger picture and share some thoughts on supporting, protecting, and retaining foster parents. . . to help them survive with these children the true "test of time."

1. Consider foster families as real families with real children. Perhaps differing by structure, foster families are just as concerned and caring as so-called real families, no better or worse than any other family.
2. Give foster parents a promotion in status. Consider them to be professional, therapeutic parents, with credibility and knowledge commensurate with experience and expertise. Look to and promote foster parents as part of the team of involved child-care and family-aid professionals.
3. Supplement responsibility with control. Permit and promote foster parents’ involvement in important decision-making about placements. Foster parents frequently have little voice in placement issues; they are often acknowledged when blame is passed out, but seldom given credit.
4. Work to counteract the often inaccurate negative image of foster parenting. Make efforts to provide recognition of foster-parenting challenges and achievements, to support accomplishments, and to acknowledge successes.
5. Recognize and value the relationship between foster parents and foster children. Do not expect instant bonding—or detachment. Attachments in family foster care do not exist on demand, nor are they expendable.
6. Learn about a foster child by talking with the foster parent. Speak with foster parents first about a child’s problems, needs, and dilemmas. There are no better experts about a child’s progress, problems, or readiness for transitions.
7. Provide foster parents full and complete information about a child in need of placement. And keep them informed. Match child needs with the competence, qualifications, and placement experiences of families.
8. Provide foster parents with respite care and day-care services. At times respite care and time released from parenting are the most important strategies in supporting foster families and in assisting them in parenting the special—perhaps extraordinary—needs child.
9. Help foster parents by protecting them from themselves. Many foster parents are encouraged to accept a child for placement "experimentally" to assess whether he or she is ready for a family. Often this test is accomplished with no awareness of the potential negative impact on the family. Many of the most skilled parents consistently accept the most troubled and challenging children, with the lasting results of gradual "foster burn-out" and the resulting loss of our most skilled and effective care givers.
10. Offer therapeutic support to foster families. Provide effective, reasonably priced, and accessible in-service training and opportunities for development.
11. Do not judge foster parenting by traditional parenting standards. Rather, use standards that are consistent with realistic, obtainable goals and objectives for the children in placement. Recognize the needs and troubles of the children in care, their impact on a family; be realistic about change—in other words, get to know the special needs of these children. Sadly, we often have our most emotionally injured, vulnerable, and disturbed children placed without needed foster-family support.
12. Pay foster parents. Pay at a level that indicates their value, importance, and professionalism. At a minimum provide reimbursement of the costs of parenting a foster child.
13. Ask foster parents first, not last or not at all. Request their input and obtain their opinions about program decisions and about potential plans that may affect their foster care.
14. Help establish foster-parent support groups and fund them. Encourage mentoring—encourage experienced families to work with and assist new or struggling foster parents. Us the power of foster-parent groups, and work to end feelings of isolation that exist in foster families, between foster families, and between foster parents and other professionals. Encourage membership in local, state, or national organizations.

Wanted: continued support and protection

Foster parents at times are unrealistically perceived as the cure-all for a child’s destructive past and early family problems or failures. Placement parents need support, encouragement, assistance, and respect in meeting the challenges of raising today’s foster children. More and more, foster parents are accepting into placement those children who in the past might never have had the opportunity to grow up in a family.

Offering these special-needs children a place in real homes, and effectively altering the course of their lives, is for them the opportunity of a lifetime. Healing children takes more than the application of strategies and other therapeutic techniques and endeavors. Many of us must make a commitment to remembering that nothing takes the place of the family in altering for the better these children’s lives.

Dr. Frank Kunstal is coauthor of Troubled Transplants. This article is reprinted from The National Advocate, Spring 1995 and "KIDS News" (Karing Intervention Dependable Support), April-May-June 1995, Tavares, FL 32778.

Working With Bio-Families  by Norma M. Ginther, MSW, LISW

Many foster parents feel that working with the child’s parents is the least desirable part of their work. After all, the parents neglected or abused the foster children in the first place, they feel. They don’t deserve to be parents.

The problem with this point of view is that most of the foster children we deal with are very attached to their parents. Even though the parents may seem inadequate to foster families, a strong bond usually exists between the foster children and their parents. The current best practice standard of child welfare is to enhance attachment between parent and child in an effort to reduce risk and reunite the family. Social workers and foster parents agree that children should be safe and protected. Children can be protected best in their own homes, if their safety can be assured.

Foster families can be extremely helpful in achieving reunification, or, if absolutely necessary, transitioning to a permanent alternative placement outside the child’s family. To understand the foster family’s role, we should first understand what family centered practice means to current best practice.

Family centered practice

Family centered practice in child welfare can be defined as the provision of planful social work and auxiliary services, like out of home care, that strengthen families, and that enable them to provide safe care for their children within their own homes, communities and cultures.

Family centered practice also presumes that families have the capacity to grow and change when given the proper enabling and supporting interventions. Family centered child welfare asserts that properly delivered family services can strengthen most families sufficiently to enable them to care for and protect their children.

Family centered practice is not limited to working with families whose children are at home. When a child is placed in substitute care, we strive to involve the child’s family in planning the placement, maintaining a strong relationship with their children while in placement, and developing and implementing a plan for reunification. This can most often be done best by foster families who are linked to the primary family through the child and focus on the child’s best interests. A case plan may involve placement of a child to assure the child’s protection. Placement is a legitimate child welfare intervention, albeit an intervention of last resort.

Resources the foster family can offer the primary family

It is important to engage the primary family early in placement and establish a strong relationship before fear and animosities can develop. If the two families wait to work together, the primary family may incorrectly fear that the foster family wants to keep their child and sabotage the efforts to reunify. Here are some of the resources a foster family can offer a primary family:

• Model of family living. The foster family can model ways to live in a functioning family unit. The foster family can share house rules, house meetings, and non-violent conflict resolution with the primary family.
• Knowledge of community resources. The foster family can assist the primary family to use such resources as community housing, headstart programs, employment services, hotlines, school related services, service clubs, and food banks.
• Home management skills. The foster parents can show in a natural manner how they manage resources. Such activities as clipping coupons to save money or making up menus so that you know what food to buy can be eye opening events to some primary families.
• Child care skills specific to the children of the primary family. The foster parents can share what discipline techniques work with their children, and general "tricks of the trade" in dealing with children with very difficult behaviors.
• Knowledge of child development. Many primary families grew up in homes that lacked warmth, encouragement and nurturing. They may simply not know how children are to be cared for and what children are like at various ages. Foster parents can share their knowledge in a non threatening way.
• Knowledge of the agency. The foster family is in a prime position to assist the primary family to get what they need from the agency. The foster parents know who really gets things done and can assist the primary family to work with that individual. There are probably other ways a foster family can model behaviors that will help a primary family.
• Each situation is different, just as each foster child is different.

Sources of conflict for the foster child

Another basic reason to work with primary families is to reduce the stress on the child. Simply being in foster care produces many conflicts for the child. These include:

• Torn loyalties. Many children feel that they can only love one parent figure. To love a second is to be unfaithful to the first. These problems are intensified when the foster parents want to be called "Mom and Dad".
• Conflicting values and lifestyles and codes of conduct. The child may feel that he or she is constantly being told the primary family is "bad" when the foster parents say things like "we don’t act like that in this house".
• Identity as a foster child. Just being a foster child makes the child feel different from other children.
• Lack of control. The child may feel that he or she has no control in his life. The child may try to assert control by being defiant or refusing to participate in foster family activities.
• Feeling of being punished. Many children feel that they were sent away from their parents because they were "bad". They may spend lots of time trying to figure out what they did that was so terrible. Many of these conflicts can be minimized if the child believes that the foster parents and his own parents are working together and that he will be going home when the time is right. Working with the family can ease their sources of conflict for the child.

Guidelines to work with primary families

In order to work best with primary families, the foster parents should achieve these guidelines:

• Respect for one another. The primary family is often working under great handicaps which are not of their choosing. They have strengths as well as deficiencies. Foster parents should view the primary parents as caring adults, and focus on building strong relationships between parent and child.
• Seek conflict resolution. The focus of interaction with primary families should be the child. Do not spend energies that could go to the child in conflict on unrelated issues.
• Clear communication. "I said what I meant and I meant what I said" should be the foster parent’s motto, tempered with tact, good judgment, and common sense!

*Some materials in this article were taken from Rycus and Huges, Fieldguide to Child Welfare, Child Welfare League of America, 1998. Norma Ginther is a trainer and consultant with the Institute for Human Services in Columbus, Ohio. She has worked in the field for 32 years, including 18 years as a foster parent. Norma trains foster parents and social workers in New Hampshire frequently.

Reprinted with permission from Foster Share, February 1999, published by the New Hampshire Department of Health and Human Services, division for Children Youth and Families, Foster Care Unit. Contact the editor at 603-868-7804 or e-mail amypetersn@aol.com, or visit them on the web at http://top.monad.net/~jfeuer/fostshar.html.

More Than a Feather   
By Vicki Ness

Challenging children...we adore them, we enjoy their strengths, help them cope with their weaknesses and love them unconditionally as they emerge into the little people they are capable of becoming. These three siblings, Parker, Johnny and Hope, joined our family at different times. Each child carried hidden within them histories only they truly knew, physical difficulties yet undiscovered and hearts that were just waiting to be loved in spite of behavior and the challenges faced by caregivers.

Parker, the charming 2 1/2 year old in a four-year-old body, joined our household at 17 months, and it felt like the Early Intervention team from the public school district had an office in our home. Then last August, his two younger siblings arrived. Johnny, 17 mo., was sick with chicken pox and jigger bites, needing two ten-day courses of antibiotics, dental surgery to cap ten teeth and a lot of cognitive development work. Hope, 4 mo., weighed less than 9 lb., needing nebulizer treatment, bronchial drainage around the clock, physical therapy, and tear duct massage, a little pumpkin we worried over constantly, for she had declared a personal fast on food and was failing to thrive.

Twenty-four hours a day, these children challenged our hearts, our ideas and our stamina. And like little plants given sunlight, fertilizer and extra care, they began to blossom and bloom. The University assessment results were discouraging and made it very clear what was needed to raise these children to provide them with skills and opportunity they could carry into their adult lives. Our hope was that we could become a forever family; our skills matched their needs, and permanence would make a big difference in success.

The biological extended family had watched the transformation take place and requested that we adopt this handful. Our family rejoiced, we cried, we hugged, we danced, we made many calls to share the news that TOMORROW we were going to court to adopt these rascals.

Morning arrived early with excitement as my husband and I headed for the courthouse. The social worker assured us that everything as we had heard it was correct, and the family had requested an open adoption. This couldn’t have been better, as we strongly believe in relationship continuation for children we’ve grown to love. The agreement was unanimous . . . or so we thought.

Coming in on a plane from the west was the tribal council declaring we did not have the authority to adopt these children. And...we were not allowed in the court room. Sitting on a cold bench behind closed doors, we realized that the county and the bio family had no authority over the tribe. We sat together, silently and prayed the Lord’s will be done. It was all we could do.

The doors open and truth was declared: The children would be going home with their family – the next day! Our hearts broke, and we sought the only refuge available. Lord, give us, the courage to do what we have to and the wisdom to help all of the children say good-bye. Our teenaged daughter was crushed. Together we all pulled together and together as a family we prayed for guidance.

Facing the wind, we determined that we would do whatever was necessary to provide for an smooth transition for the children, their family and their long drive home. We called Parker’s three special ed. teachers and asked them if they could come over and say good-bye. They came and brought pictures of themselves, the school to add to the kids photo album they were taking home. We called friends for prayers of support and protection and encouragement for the newly made family and had a party - nine kids and two moms came! Parker and our daughter shopped for the celebration. Hot dogs, chips, pop, ice cream cones and heart-shaped cookies, Parker picked the feast! We took a lot of pictures, cried sheets of tears, but managed to have a party. The little troopers, exhausted, snuggled in their beds, while we tearfully, washed clothes, packed toys, and prepared for the morning departure.

Andy, our adopted nine-year-old was so upset he was throwing up. Finally at three o-clock in the morning he had the courage to ask if the tribe was coming to take him away too. I assured him that his family and tribe had already given up that right and he was our ALWAYS SON, though he would always be a native of the tribe. No one could ever take his culture and heritage away. My little broken nine-year-old worked up ideas how he could still keep contact and be part of the children’s lives, then he finally slept as I fed the wakened baby.

I went downstairs to write detailed descriptions of the children’s medical routines, daily schedules, and things foster parents would give their eyeteeth for when a new child arrived. Devon, our 19-year-old tearfully joined me, sharing a letter she had written to the grandmother who would be caring for these children. I realized then that we had to have these children leave our home differently that was planned by the county worker and a case aide. At 7:15 in the morning I called the county worker at her home to asked if we could change the time from 10:30 to noon so that the family could come to our house for lunch. She thought that would be very helpful for Parker. We kept packing toys. Parker helped. We kept telling him what we were doing. We think he understood that he was going, but he also thought he was staying. Devon took Parker to buy a busy box to keep him busy for the 10-hour journey he soon faced.

The heater on the uncle’s van broke, and we were blessed with a few more hours while the repair was made. Grandma called and asked how “we were doing.” You could feel the care and concern she had for our family and that her heart was knit in sorrow for our loss, though looking forward to loving her grandchildren. I told her how honored we were that they had considered us worthy of parenting their children. She said how she and her son had told the court their desires and said how sorry she was, that she knew how much our family loved and how deeply we had care for these special children. We postponed lunch to the next day while the van was being repaired.

The lunch plan was basically “eat and leave,” but these children had knit us together in so many ways and we shared the photo albums and explained picture by picture things of importance to the children – birthdays, vacations, friends, school, family outings, Christmas, pets, etc. Two pages of medical information, by the time lunch was served (the pie was burnt, the stir fry was limp) our understanding of each other was deepened. The uncle shared that he was planning on bringing the family to the summer pow-wow in the cities and invited us to join him.

Lunch completed, we went up to the boys’ room, putting all of Parker’s stuffed animals (Parker tried to put our cat with them) into a big, clear, plastic bag and explaining why each was important to him. We helped Parker take his Mickey Mouse sheets and put them with his Taz sheets and his Lion King blanket and pillow into another bag so he could put them on his new bed in his new home. We woke the baby up from her nap and showed Grandma how to administer all the medications, how to massage her tear ducts. Meanwhile my husband and the uncle were busy loading the van (a big wheel, a sled, a rocking horse, a boat, seven grocery store boxes of books and toys, loads of clothes and special bags for each child for their long ride home). We changed diapers and put on snowsuits. The time had come.

Their uncle requested a picture of us with the children that he could keep. Then he went to his van and got his Spirit Eagle Feather Award and explained it was his highest personal honor. He had gone on a mountain fast for four days. He asked if we would take the award and be honorary members of his family. We were overwhelmed. We all hugged and cried. I handed the baby to him and said, “This is my heart, hold her with gentle love.” Then I gave him the four-year-old and said that he was my hope and sunshine. Lastly I handed over the character we call “water bug” and told him this one causes our energy. They settled the children into the cars seats, Parker was too big, so we sent our car seat. We shared the last hugs. They promised to call when they reached home. The van with the children drove off. The social worker wiping her tears, hugged us and departed. Alone we stood with our Sacred Eagle Feather in our yard, remembering “If you love something you let it go free. If it comes back it’s yours, if it doesn’t, it wasn’t yours anyway.”

We went into our very q-u-i-e-t home.

Editors’ note: Vicki and Jerry Ness are foster care providers with Family Alternatives. They live with their large, lively family in West St. Paul.

AN ADDITION TO THE ABOVE STORY! So many of us in foster care have had difficult good-byes. For each hello we give to a child in our home, we often also say a tearful good-bye. To each of you I tip my hat and thank you for the job you do and the love you freely give. There is a postscript to the cover story. Parker, Johnny and Hope have rejoined the Ness family and there will be an adoption, and it will be open. And the children will always have a tribe, they will always have a grandmother and they will always have their loving uncle who gave his most prized possession to the ones who handed over their own. Sometimes there are enough wills to make a way!

Jodee Kulp, Stefanie Cox,Co-Editors

Cuddle Time for an Older Child

Cuddle Time is never invasive to either the parent nor the child. It a respectful quiet time of healthy closeness, you may

choose to read or listen to a favorite story, watch a movie, talk or remain silent. A hammock swing is perfect.