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Love means believing in someone, in something. It supposes a willingness to struggle, to work, to suffer and to rejoice. Satisfaction and ultimate fulfillment are byproducts of dedicated love. They belong only to those who can reach beyond themselves; to whom giving is more important than receiving.
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Discipline
Kids between 11-13 - ages highly at risk for drug experimentation - are increasingly independent. Despite their protests, they still crave structure and guidance; they want you to show them you car enough to set limits.
Resources To find out more, explore our website at http://ncadi.samhsa.gov/redirect.asp For printed or A/V materials, call the National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information at 1.800.788.2800. Or for a free copy of http://ncadi.samhsa.gov/pubs/parguide/default.aspx Growing Up Drug-Free: A Parent's Guide to Prevention, call the U.S. Department of Education's Safe and Drug-Free Schools Program at 1.877.4EDPUBS. 1.800.788.2800
http://ncadi.samhsa.gov/redirect.asp aol keyword: drug help Tips from Parenting With Dignity Do not try to reason with a human being of any age 2 1/2 or 50 when they are in an agitated state! Wait until things calm down and do some practicing of the situation when both of you are calm. For example before going to the store or library practice the desired behavior. Then let your actions speak. Explain clearly that the practiced behavior must be adhered to or we will have to leave. The minute the undesired behavior starts, leave. No explanations at this point. Never give warnings. That just teaches that first statements must never be listened to. The minute the calm behavior returns practice the desired behavior. Don’t discuss the undesirable behavior. Act like it didn’t happen. Do not assume that leaving has taught anything about proper behavior. It has not. All it has taught is that there is a real consequence for inappropriate behavior. Only instruction of proper behavior will teach proper behavior. That is what so many people fail to understand. Punishment says nothing about what is correct. You must do that. You must teach the positive behavior. See the humor in child’s action discovering what works and what doesn’t. Your child is trying out things. Be the guide. Teach what appropriate behavior works to get what she wants and then watch in excitement as she delights people with her charming behavior that you taught her. Remember, when she is twenty-nine you will be recalling these antics with nostalgic delight. The strength of using Parenting With Dignity parenting videos (http://www.parentingwithdignity.com) is that many people can watch them together and discuss what they are learning! Get a set and watch them with parents of the kids your kids play with. You will not believe how much more you will learn if you share thoughts with other parents from your community! By watching them with the parents of your kids friends insures your kids will get some of the same responses while away from home. So much easier to teach manners, study habits, drug free living, etc. if your kids hear the same thing in every home they visit! Fits won’t work there either and the other parents will understand when you simply ignore inappropriate behavior until it disappears.
Gentle Tips
from the Art of Sensitive Parenting Grocery Store Tips
Building Self Esteem
Encourage Positive Growth
Problem Solving 1. State the problem. 2. Brainstorm the alternatives. 3. Select one possible solution. 4. Implement a solution. 5. Reassess the plan. 6. Start over, if unsuccessful. About the Author Katharine C. Kersey is a professor and chairperson of the Department of Child Studies and Special Education of Old Dominion University in Norfolk, VA. She writes a weekly parenting column for the “Virginia-Pilot and Ledger Star” and the “Roanoke Times”, as well as the “Dear Zoom” column for children. She is also the author of “The Art of Sensitive Parenting” and “Helping Your Child Handle Stress”. To get more information about Dr. Kersey’s books, you may call this toll free number: 1-800-451-7771 or call 1-703-709-0006. Dr. Kersey’s first book, “The Art of Sensitive Parenting” has been developed into a comprehensive audio program. You may call this toll free number: 1-800-227-0600.A home is built with love. To provide love, care and safety for a child you need clear calm leadership in a stable environment. Treat your children with respect and they will learn to treat you and others with respect. Take charge in a loving way. Ask yourself “What can I do differently to get a better reaction from my child?” It is usually more effective to change your approach than to forcefully change the child. You may want to ask the child to help you come up with an approach. Ask the child “This is a problem for me, what would you do about it?” Then consider using the child’s idea next time the shoes are in the middle of the floor, the dishes aren’t done or the school lunch is still on the kitchen table. Listening empowers relationship. Listen to your child, but also expect your child to listen to you. 1. Be kind when you are firm. A child is more likely to hear when you use a neutral tone. 2. Take a breather. There is nothing wrong with saying “I’m too angry to deal with this right now. We will talk later.” Don’t assign punishment when you are angry. 3. Be direct and positive. Tell the child what you need, don’t ask. Examples: “Get your jammies on and brush your teeth. When you’re finished I will tuck you in.” or “Get in the car seat now. We are going to the store.” 4. Diffuse your anger. Think of each time you feel angry with a child as an opportunity to teach and guide a child in new skills. Don’t use punishment as revenge. 5. Don’t showdown. Showup. Avoid power struggles with children. Negative feelings over appropriate limits are common for all children. Acknowledge the child’s feeling “I know you feel sad because you have to leave your friends. You can play again another day.” A power struggle can escalate out of control. If you set a standard stick with it – remain firm yet kind. You do not need to lock into their emotional outbursts. You are the one in control - don’t lose it. It is easy to threaten inappropriately in the heat of anger. It is easy to over punish and a more severe punishment is not necessarily better and often is not well thought out. 6. Be flexible. If you have time, when a child has been well behaved during the day and the child asks for a special privilege such as “can I just finish this one show?” give in once in a while. Acknowledge the good behavior you noticed all day and let the child know why you offering a special privilege. In foster care corporal punishment is never permissible. It can lead to revocation of your foster care license. It is a parent’s job to guide children. This means accepting anger and other negative feelings as responses when appropriate limits are set. PLAY IT SAFE - KEEP YOUR COOL! When you discipline for rule breaking, let the child know the rule that was broken. Ask them then to tell you the rule and how it was broken. Then tell them the consequence. Reinforce that you have rules in our house for 3 reasons: 1) you love them 2) you want to protect them 3) you want them to grow up to be a good person
If a child is defensive and argu-mentative and unwilling to admit there is a problem, it is difficult to teach the child and help the child overcome the problem especially if helping the child with homework or chores. Set a short time for doing chores or homework. If cooperation and attitude remains good the clock runs. If it is bad, the clock stops until the behavior has changed and the child works through the attitude by: 1. Agreeing there is a problem. 2. Taking responsibility for the problem. 3. Planning to change the problem and ask for help if necessary. 4. Apologizing and make restitution if necessary. Parenting time robbed from bad behavior, eliminates the time I have to be a taxi service.
There are all kinds of reasons children do not sleep well. Yet restful sleep is vitally important for healing and repair of the body and growth of cells. A study of 510 kids between 2 and 5 years old at the Northwestern University Medical Center discovered what mothers have been saying for centuries “less sleep at night, results in more behavior problems during the day!” If you have a problem sleeper in your home (or perhaps a number of them) here are a few ideas that can help you. Make it easy for the child to fall asleep.
Prader Willi Syndrome PWS intervention strategies: LAST RESORTS FIRST Locks/Alarms Awareness Supervision Training Rules/Contracts Environment Structure/Routine OT/SI Rx Tobacco-free Sobriety Food control ISPP/IEP Resources/Advocacy Support/Respite Trust/Will/Guardianship Looking back, I think I first recognized the struggle with control when Karie entered the “terrible twos,” a stage that has continued through the “terrible teens.” Almost 20, Karie still has the same persistence, when she sets her mind to something, as she had at age two. Then, the control struggles focused on skin-picking, hair-doing, clothes-wearing, and of course food-getting. Now, the focus is still on the same issues, but what is different is how we work through the control struggles. When she was young, my attitude was: I am the parent, she is the child, I am in control, and I can make her behave the way I think she should behave, Prader-Willi or no Prader-Willi. Her attitude was: Nobody can make me do what I don’t want to do, nobody can keep me from doing what I want to do, and anybody who gets in my way is going to pay. Now her attitude really has not changed too much, except that she understands that she has choices and that there may be consequences attached to her actions. The big change has occurred in my own attitude. I no longer hold on to the illusion of control. The only person I can control is myself. I can plead, reason, lecture, bribe, punish, reward, and otherwise TRY to control her, but when it comes down to the bottom line, she is the one who decides what she is going to do. I am powerless over her feelings, attitudes and behaviors, but I am in control of my own actions and behaviors, and as her parent and guardian, I recognize my abilities as well as my limitations. I can set boundaries (Only eat what food is served) and enforce those limits (weight charts, room checks) and issue consequences (special restaurant meal with goal weight). I can influence her and can affect her behavior, but I cannot really control her. Once I accepted that and backed off from my own persistence, life has been easier - for both of us. What helps, I think, is offering a safe and stable environment with adequate supervision and reasonable boundaries, structure, carefully worded contracts (written ones are best) worked out by both of us, consistent enforcement of the rules, and lots of open communication to avoid misunderstandings. Karie and I have both worked on improving our controlling behaviors, and we can even laugh about it sometimes. She says, “Mom, you’re persistent too!” She’s right - I want to do everything I can to help her be as independent, healthy, and happy as possible, and nobody is going to stop me! Visit http://www.azstarnet.com/~tjk/pwsaa.htm
How to
Discipline Your Child There are several ways we can “make” children behave. One is by using force. Another is by using fear. Still another is by punishment. Unfortunately, these three methods imply that the caregiver is superior and should overpower the child. Rather than leading to a child with inner control, they make the child angry, resentful, fearful and dependent upon force. There is another way to discipline children. Though it may not appear to get the immediate results we might like, it is safer, more natural and humanistic. It is based on the assumption that children are by nature good, fair, and honest and ultimately capable of responding to that which is good, fair and honest within us. This method is to treat the child with respect. It is treating the child as if he is as important a human being as you are. It is treating him with the same respect with which you wish for him to treat others, you, and himself. “Don’t Take It Out On Your Kids” is an effort to show how we can parent and teach effectively without using force, fear, and/or punishment, but rather by treating the child with respect. By offering parents and teachers proven ways to reinforce good behavior and minimize misbehavior it is hoped that the vicious cycle of child abuse and neglect will be broken. HOW CAN WE TREAT OUR CHILDREN WITH RESPECT? We can treat our children with respect by using discipline techniques that teach them self-control and responsibility. *Discipline Techniques that Often Backfire*
*Discipline Techniques that Work*
About the Author Katharine C. Kersey is a professor and chairperson of the Department of Child Studies and Special Education of Old Dominion University in Norfolk, VA. She writes a weekly parenting column for the “Virginia-Pilot and Ledger Star” and the “Roanoke Times”, as well as the “Dear Zoom” column for children. She is also the author of “The Art of Sensitive Parenting” and “Helping Your Child Handle Stress”. To get more information about Dr. Kersey’s books, you may call this toll free number: 1-800-451-7771 or call 1-703-709-0006. Dr. Kersey’s first book, “The Art of Sensitive Parenting” has been developed into a comprehensive audio program. You may call this toll free number: 1-800-227-0600.Children repeatedly intrude upon each other’s space and frequently come to adults “tattling.” You might hear, “She went in my room without permission; he pushed me; or she’s looking at me.” Empower the children to stand up to children who intrude upon their personal space or property. When a child comes to you and says, “John took my book,” your first response is to say, “Did you like it?” This brings the child’s assertiveness energy to the forefront as they say, “No.” Then instruct the child to go tell John, “I don’t like it when you take things from me. Give me back my book.”
MN Center for the Difficult Child Time outs should be one minute per year of age of the child, but if you think that your seven-year-old has gotten the full effect after four minutes that is sufficient. Each child’s tolerance for the time spent in the time-out chair varies. You be the judge. You are the expert on this child. Remind the child that time out doesn’t start until she is calm, so therefore, it can’t end until she is calm. Accompany the child without emotion to the time-out chair. No talking, no warning, no promises, no threats. The more absolute you are in this, the less negative behavior you will see. Your having absolutely decided that she is going to take her time-out is part of the high level of certainty that build security in her.
Ways
Children Can Earn Points In my coaching practice, parents frequently ask me how to help their children earn points. Here are some ideas for various age groups: Ages 3-5
Ages 6-9
Ages 10-13
Ages 13-18
These are by no means exhaustive. Be creative about your point granting. The more you do the more your child has the opportunity to see himself as successful! |
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Foster and Adoptive Care Association
of Minnesota |
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