Foster Parent Adoption: What Parents Should Know

The practice of foster parent adoption is growing. More and more public social service agencies are finding that a child’s foster family often is the placement of choice when that child becomes free for adoption. This is especially true when the child or children in question have special needs, or are children of color, and when a strong feeling of attachment has grown between foster parent and child during the course of the foster care placement.

This fact sheet is written for foster parents who are considering adopting one or more of their foster children. The information will also be helpful to a foster parent who already has adopted or to a new foster parent who may be faced with the possibility of adoption sometime in the future. Another fact sheet entitled "Foster Parent Adoption: What Professionals Should Know" also is available from the National Adoption Information clearinghouse (NAIC).

This fact sheet will discuss some of the issues to think about as you consider adopting your foster child or children. It includes a work sheet to use in conjunction with your agency social worker to guide you through the decision-making process.

Issues to consider

In many ways, when a child lives in your home with you, life is not terribly different if he or she is officially a foster child or an adopted child. The day-to-day tasks involved in child rearing remain the same. There are meals to cook, clothes to wash, outings to plan, lessons to supervise, hugs to savor, conversations to share, discipline to administer, a mind to stimulate, talents to develop, values to instill, and ambitions to encourage. During the course of living, growing, learning, and playing together, you are very likely to become attached to the child placed with you. So what’s the big deal if you decide to adopt? It is just more of the same, right? Well, yes, but also, no.

Of course, there are many differences between foster care and adoption, ranging from the trivial to the significant. After a child is adopted and post-placement visits have taken place, a social worker will no longer come by your home to visit. The child will have your last name. You will not have to share authority with an agency—decisions about school, medical treatment, religious practice, and a myriad of other parenting matters can be made without someone looking over your shoulder. The child will inherit from you and is entitled to a share of your estate equal to that of any of your other children. You will be financially responsible for the child’s welfare until he or she reaches the age of majority, and you will be liable for his or her actions should he or she be involved in a legal dispute.

Over and above these practical matters, you will have to deal with emotional issues as well. Because the child has experienced loss, he or she will go through the grieving process, perhaps over and over again at certain critical times in his or her development. This is called developmental grieving. You will become acquainted with the stages of grief and the behavior that goes along with each stage. The denial, anger, and depression. stages all have predictable patterns of behavior that you soon will be able to recognize, if you do not already.

You also will be learning about the concept of entitlement—the awareness that this child is now your child and that you have the right to discipline, love, and care for this child, totally and permanently. You will have a stake in this child’s future, and this child will have a stake in yours.

When you adopt your foster child, especially if the child has been with you for an extended period of time, both you and the child's social worker should help the child to understand the significance of the change in status. The child’s life book, a personalized account of his or her birth and placement history, may be an important tool in facilitating this understanding. It is very important that you mark or celebrate the change from foster care to adoption in some symbolic fashion so that the child really perceives the difference. Children who have been moved around a lot may not really understand what all the fuss is about, but it should be made clear that adoption is a major life event. A special party, a family ceremony, even the sending of formal announcements are all possible ways of marking the adoption. Ask your child and other family members what they would like to do to commemorate this milestone.

When you adopt your foster child, you will have to incorporate the child's birth family experiences and background—and possibly former foster care experiences—into your family life. You must honor the child's birth heritage and positive memories and build upon them. If past experiences involved abuse or neglect, especially sexual abuse, you should receive special training to understand how those experiences can affect a child in later stages of development. If the child will have contact with birth or former foster family members, you should consider how visiting or corresponding will work within the context of your family.

Availability of Resources

If you adopt a child who has special needs—either as a result of genetics, his or her placement experiences, or a combination of these two factors—you will be dealing with these issues for an extended period of time. Adoption subsidies can help with the financial aspects of raising children with special needs, but you also need to know what other resources will be accessible to you. Some of the resources you should investigate include the following:

Post-adoption services—Are post-adoption services available from your agency? Ask your social worker.

Support groups—Are there groups in your area for adoptive parents or organized around the particular special need that your child has? Research your community.

Counselors or therapists—Are there counselors in your area who have expertise in older child or special needs adoption? Do they accept Medicaid?

Other foster parent adopters—Consult your immediate and extended family members and other important people in your life. Do they support your decision to adopt? Will they stand behind you unflaggingly if there are problems in this adoption that are not solvable overnight? If they do not, can you still handle it?

Ultimately you alone, or you and your spouse, are going to be responsible for this child, but knowing that there are some identifiable supports may make that responsibility a little easier to bear.

Mutual Assessment

The central issue in changing from the role of foster parent to that of an adoptive parent is that of redefining your attachment to the child that came about through daily living as a full lifetime commitment. Are you ready, willing, and able to see this child through to adulthood and to afford him or her all the opportunities—and burdens—that being a member of your family entails? Can you see this child being a part of your life long into the future? To do this, you and your agency social worker should examine the strengths and needs of your family, agency, and community and evaluate the impact of adding this particular child, with his or her particular strengths and needs, to your family on a permanent basis. This is what making an informed adoption decision is all about.

Hopefully, your agency will walk you through the process of evaluating the strengths and needs of the child and your family to see is whether permanent placement with you of your best interests.

Conclusion

If you do adopt, be aware that there is a large adoptive parent and professional support network in this country. You definitely will not be alone. As we noted earlier, foster parent adoptions are happening more and more frequently There are adoptive family support groups all over the country that provide a forum for discussion, friendship, and mutual assistance. Adoption conferences on the local, regional, and national levels offer additional learning opportunities. Literature on many relevant topics is available to you, including other publications from NAIC. More and more professionals and agencies are developing expertise in the area of post-adoption services. All of this means that if you have an occasional rough period along the way, knowledgeable and empathetic people can help you through it.

From Foster Parent to Adoptive Parent Strengths and Needs Work Sheet

This work sheet is designed to be completed by foster parents who are considering adopting a child who has been living with them through a foster care program. If there are two parents, it is helpful for both to complete the work sheet separately and then compare the strengths and needs. Designed as a self-assessment tool, the work sheet should provide some ideas to be discussed with the agency social worker for next steps in the decision-making process toward a foster parent adoption. Needs will indicate tasks to be accomplished. Please note that this work sheet touches only a few of the critical issues important to foster parents who are considering adoption. For further exploration of critical tasks, see Resource Guidebook: From Foster Parent to Adoptive Parent. This guidebook is published by the Child Welfare Institute.

Strengths: (What I have done to accomplish this task.)
Needs: (What I still need to do.)

Foster Parent Adoption Task

• I have discussed the entire placement history of my child with at least one social worker and believe I have all the information that is available.
• I have identified several strengths and several potential problems with this adoption.
• I have discussed ways to solve the potential difficulties with those I consider to be family.
• I have all information that is available about this child's birth family and have determined ways to help this child maintain positive connections with his or her roots.
• I have considered levels of openness in adoption and have planned for a level of openness that will meet the needs of this child and work for our family.
• I have discussed the difference between attachment and commitment with those I consider to be family. Those close to me understand that I am making a lifetime commitment to a child who may later in life have challenges and difficulties as a result of early experiences.
• This child has a life book which I plan to use to help him or her understand the differences between foster care and adoption, as well as to help with developmental grieving.
• I have considered the ways this child expressed loss earlier in life and have anticipated and planned for ways this child may grieve at the time of adoption and at other important milestones during life (developmental grieving).
• I have planned ways to help this child maintain a tie to his or her cultural, racial or ethnic roots.
• I have planned ways to talk with other children in the family about this adoption, including ways to help the family understand the differences between foster care and adoption.
• I have planned for the future financial and medical needs of this child and have thoroughly discussed subsidy with at least two social workers.
• I have identified people who will support me if I become discouraged.
• I am pursuing adoption willingly and at this time do not feel coerced by a loved one or the agency.
• I have talked with at least one family who has adopted through the foster care program.
• I have considered this decision for several months and believe that adoption of this child is important for the well-being of this child, my family, and myself.

This work sheet is adapted with permission from material published in From Foster Parent to Adoptive Parent, developed by Heather L. Craig-Oldsen, M.S.W., and published by the Child Welfare Institute, 1365 Peachtree Street NE, Suite 700, Atlanta, GA, 30309-1988. Article and worksheet are reprinted from "Foster Focus," March 1997, published by the Olmsted County Foster Care Program, Rochester, Minn.

Minnesota Father’s Adoption Registry

The Minnesota Father’s Adoption Registry took effect January 1, 1998. It affects biological fathers whose children are or could be placed for adoption. Men whose names do not appear on the child’s birth certificate or who are not married to the mother are invited (but not mandated) to place their name on the Registry, within 30 days of the child’s birth. If the child is later placed for adoption, the courts can notify the father, allowing him to participate in decision-making.

The intent is to balance the interests of the mother, child, and father when an adoption plan is considered and to place time limits on the putative father’s opportunity to assert his rights. If the father does not register, he is considered to have abandoned the child. He permanently loses his ability to assert an interest in his child, and his identity will most likely remain unknown to his child.

For more information about this law and its effect, call the Minnesota Father’s Adoption Registry at 612-623-5466 or 1-888-345-1726 (toll-free).

Reprinted from MARN Memo, October-November 1998, 2409 W. 66th St., Minneapolis, MN 55423.

Resources on Transracial Foster and Adoptive Parenting

The North American Council on Adoptable Children (NACAC), based in St. Paul, has released three new publications handling transracial foster and adoptive parenting. To order, please call NACAC at 651-644-3036.

1. Training curriculum. This is designed for agencies and parent groups who prepare families. Seven modules cover personal motivations, personal values, family, home, community, cultural exposure, and racism. NACAC also offers on site training in use of the curriculum. Cost: $50 ($35 for parent groups and NACAC members)
2. Self-awareness tool. This is a confidential instrument to help prospective families determine for themselves if transracial/transcultural placement is right for their family. It covers motivations, extended family responses, etc. Cost: $12 each for one to ten copies; $10 each for 11-99 copies; $8 each for 100+
3. The parenting resource manual. This guide includes a national directory of resources, information about culture camps, and articles by individuals who grew up in transracial/transcultural families. Cost $30 ($21 for parent groups and NACAC members)

Reprinted from MARN Memo, October-November 1998, 2409 W. 66th St., Minneapolis, MN 55423.

Helpful Ideas for Strengthening Families

• Recognize families who are experiencing difficulties also have strengths and solutions for those difficulties.
• Listen to families. Recognize the tremendous connecting and healing power in listening.
• Include families in planning for their children. Limit meetings where the "experts" are discussing the family.
• Liberally ask families for their best thinking regarding issues of concern.
• Practice the advanced skill of looking for and building on the good in families.
• Talk in language that is understandable, respectful and hopeful. Talk in the language of possibilities.
• Focus on concerns rather than problems. The two often are not the same.
• Recognize that a list of "Problems" doesn’t resolve anything. It is most often a waste of time and energy. Strengths are what resolve issues of concern.
• Discuss options as opposed to giving advice.

Discovering and Building on Strengths — an advanced skill. This special skill requires:

1. Asking people for their best thinking on how things could be better. (Always treating people respectfully.)
2. Listening and connecting with people’s pain. (Listening is the first act of love. — Carl Jung.) Talking is much easier.
3. Learning to listen for strengths when dominant practice is to find people’s problems. (It is much easier to look for what is wrong and give advice, both of which weaken people.)
4. Looking at crisis as an opportunity to grow, rather than as a failure. (It is easier to lose confidence in people.)
5. Going to the place of their strength. (It is much easier to take someone to the place of our strengths.)
6. Paying attention to others. (It is much easier to focus attention on ourselves.)
7. Moving at the pace of others. (It is much easier to expect/demand people move at our pace, whatever that may be.)
8. Courage to be vulnerable. (It is easier to be skeptical than to trust, far less chance of having to deal with our own hurt.)
9. Facing our own humanness. (It is much easier to think we are superior to those with whom we are working.)
10. Giving credit. (It is much easier to take credit.)
11. Giving up the need to control people. (This often means overcoming the inclination to tell people how to live their lives and asking the question, "If this were my family, how would I like to be treated?")
12. Not giving up on people.

L.B. Graber Family Based Services, Oregon CSD Ph.378-3016 Rev.9/10/9. (These articles were reprinted with permission of Larry Graber, Manager, Family-Based Services, Oregon Department of Human Resources)

Act As A Role Model for Future Parents

• Enlist the aid of neighborhood teenagers  as babysitters and helpers when  you're home. As they help with the kids and do household chores, they’ll get invaluable exposure to the responsibilities of parents. NOTE: Do not leave neighborhood teens or preteens alone with foster children

• Create a band practice room. Designate a soundproofed room at a neighborhood community center, or create one in a neighbor’s garage, where budding musicians can play their guitars, keyboards, and drums without disturbing the neighbors.

• Build a back yard ice rink

• Designate a messy space. Kids need a place where they can dig in the dirt, make mud puddles, and generally get down and dirty. Someone in the neighborhood could offer a less-than-manicured place—a side yard, an unused driveway, or even a garage—where kids can build forts and enjoy messy play but still be supervised.

• Backyard barbecues, front-porch discussions, sharing garden tools, and “borrowing” eggs—these were some of the everyday encounters that brought neighbors together. In an era when so many grandparents and other members of the extended family live hundreds of miles away, the emotional and physical support that parents and children receive from neighbors is more important than ever.

• Start a neighborhood “GOOD NEWS”  newsletter. Encourage kids to submit drawings, stories, and news reports. Use a letters column to air common concerns. Offer things you want to give away free, work you need done. Make it a communication tool to get people together. Promote neighborhood children and teens achievements most people don’t notice...a teen who gave up his seat at the bus stop for an older person. Catch them being good and publicize it! Make goodness contagious.

Lessons from a Mother Hen
By Stefanie Cox

Our children were so delighted this spring when Isabella, their favorite black hen, went "broody" and nested on her eggs in a special hiding place in the hay barn. They worried about her caring for her eggs all day, apparently never leaving them. So they brought her feed and water and placed them on top of bales of straw. Every day came the report, "Isabella’s still sitting on her eggs. Won’t they ever hatch?"

We have never had success before, so I tried to prepare them for the worst, "You know, a raccoon or skunk could come, or the eggs might not be fertile. Isabella might get irritated if you keep bothering her and give up."

After many days of waiting, much to the whole family’s amazement, a couple of chicks appeared one day. A few hours later, two more. Finally, another one. Several eggs didn’t make it. Three chicks were black, two brown. The kids were ecstatic. We guessed that Rainbow, the mostly brown rooster, fathered the brown chicks. We couldn’t tell which one would be related to the black ones, or for that matter, which hen laid the eggs. Isabella didn’t bother to think about that. She only cared for her chicks.

Chickens are not known for intelligence. They will run away right into a corner, where you can catch them. They sleep automatically when it is dark—easy prey. Yet Isabella knew just how warm to keep her chicks. She gathered them under her wings when it was cold, shooed them out to eat and drink. One warm, sunny day she took her five little chicks for a stroll down the driveway. She showed them how to scratch and peck gravel. (Chickens have no teeth, so they swallow bits of gravel to help digest their food.) Here was new life on the farm. It seemed so significant.

It occurred to me, that Isabella’s way was much better for the chicks than our way. We ordinarily order our chicks from a hatchery. Eggs are hatched in an incubator, which must be moisturized and eggs turned periodically. Chicks arrive at the feed mill or post office in a box. This works well most of the time, because newly hatched chicks have just eaten the protein from the egg. They are remarkably strong. Occasionally there is a shipping problem, with catastrophic results. Once we get our chicks home, we set them up in a brooder house with heat lamps, straw, feeders, waterers. We keep monitoring the temperature (90–95°F. the first day, then gradually lowered), watching for moisture build-up, checking feed and water, cleaning the area daily, etc.

Isabella was saving us a lot of work! Besides, she was being a good example to the kids, a caring mother to her blended family. She protected the chicks when necessary, taught them the chicken way of life, and disciplined them when necessary (kept them close together and close to her). She was "a natural." She didn’t have to read books or get a lot of education. She relied on instinct and nurturing.

Our incubators and brooder houses work on timelines. We can "count our chicks before they hatch." But our chicks don’t follow us, or imitate us, or relate to us like Isabella’s chicks with their mother hen.

Good foster care providers also rely on this "natural instinct" to nurture and teach. At times it will be critical to success. At the same time, humans being more complicated than chicks, we also need outside reading and education. Yet the individual foster family is key in providing the "family" of love and support that a child or adult client needs. No institution, with its incubators, computers, sanitary conditions, expert and caring staff can match it. Every person deserves a family if at all possible.

Stefanie Cox, editor, is an adoptive parent of a sibling group of three. She is a foster care provider with Isanti County.

Our Kids Need Positive Public Relations
by Jodee Kulp

Let us not be blind—

• Children act out, run away, become depressed, and cut school while in foster care.
• Children are abused in, separated from siblings, and severely abused in homes of origin, kinship care, and foster care.

The dynamics of being a child in out-of-home care is difficult. A child in foster care has problems no matter what agency (public or private) or what caregiver (kinship or relative care, unrelated foster home, group home, or combination) cares for the child. Living in foster care leaves a child feeling uprooted, unprotected, and vulnerable regardless of living conditions.

Rising to success, even in small areas of life, is a challenge for a child who is dealing with issues of separation, loss, and grief. Accomplishments that are normal to a child without major life breakages can be incredible obstacles to be hurdled by the child in out-of-home care. Data privacy protects these children and the families who care for them from revealing some of their simple and significant successes.

The dynamics of caring for other people’s children is risky business. Adults caring for children in out-of-home care often face behaviors and emotions (both their own and the child’s), which neither of them have previously experienced. The combination of personal histories, present stress level, and the very nature of the relationship can lead to reaction by either the child or adult that can be misconstrued.

Caregivers are not saints or mercenaries; they are simply citizens who have reached out to help another human being. The reality of the relationship and the public’s perception of it can be skewed. The job to publicly care for another person’s child is complex. The watchful eye of the family of origin, agency, school system, medical and psychiatric professions, and the public is appropriate and necessary. The caregiver’s responsibility to remain silent about the child’s life story and difficulties is mandated by law enacted to protect the child.

The media (newsprint, radio, and television) seem to relish headlines that reflect the difficulties that can arise in a foster caregiving relationship and the horrors or tragedy of these children. It is unfortunate that the media is allowed the opportunity to select and slant the news it chooses to present to the public. Due to misunderstanding and misrepresentation of facts, both children and families can be publicly damaged. What can take months and years or relationship building can be torn down with a single sentence. Data privacy appears to be null and void when headlines can be made.

We as caregivers often heave a sigh of relief when things are going well. The telephone line to social workers and the agency is quiet. The child is functioning well in school and other activities. No exasperated neighbors are knocking on the door.

Caregivers take action!  Do your own public relations.

1. Call your agency and report on the positives! Don’t let your social worker hear from you only when you have a problem. Create a balance for the agency to understand the positive qualities and dynamics in your home.
2. Find an issue your child is involved in where public honor can occur. Notice the good things and share them with the child’s family of origin, your agency, the school, the local media, and your community.
3. Let the child know he or she is doing well:

• Write notes of encouragement on homework papers.
• Leave an answering machine message for the child.
• Write a special message and add it to the lunch bag.
• Put a post-it note on the bathroom mirror.
• Whisper in the child’s ear a "Breakfast of Champions" message, such as "You are doing really well in . . .," "I had a lot of fun with you yesterday when we were . . .," "You are a really smart kid, and I’ll be rooting for you when you . . . ."

Join the caregiver PR campaign.

If you’re having a good day with one of the kids, share it. Let it begin with your statements and grow. If the public is only exposed to the horrors of out-of-home caregiving they can’t change their perspective. Let’s challenge this perception—tell the good news.

Jodee Kulp, editor, is an adoptive parent with 12 years experience in foster care and author of Families at Risk. She owns and manages Jodee Kulp Graphic Arts in Minneapolis, which produces this newsletter.

BEING AFFIRMATIONS

Affirmations are positive messages which define who we are and how we expect to be treated. They let people know that they are lovable and capable. It is my belief that when a new foster child enters your home the "being" affirmations are essential to a successful placement. The foster child needs to hear, see and feel these, regardless of the foster child’s chronological age. "Being" is the 1st stage of development, and is important for birth to 6 months, and for everyone else. Let me share the "being" affirmations with you.

I’m glad you are alive. Most foster children feel like unwanted children, and many are! The foster child needs to hear that he/she has a right to exist, to grow, and be loved.

You belong here. Even though a foster child has probably been in several different places, they need desperately to "belong." This happens by including the foster child in the family activities, fun, work, hugs, problems, plans, pains, and the entire life of the family as quickly as possible.

What you need is important to me. Foster children’s needs have often been "on the back burner" because of a dysfunctional family system. The foster child needs to hear this message verbally as well as non-verbally. When the child is in a sad state, say "You look really sad to me, do you want to talk? Your needs are important to me." You will probably get a "no" several times, but continue to tell and show the child that you are available to meet their needs.

I’m glad you are you. You are a special foster child, not because you are a boy or girl, but because you are you! Foster children often feel responsible for the problems in their birth family. They may think, if only I were different, my family would not be having problems. The foster child needs to understand that you like who they are. This includes respecting and supporting their identification with their birth family.

You can grow at your own pace. Because of missing development stages, foster children are often emotionally much younger than their chronological age. Foster parents need to understand this and help the child to go back and get what he/she has missed. Foster children often grow quickly once they have an opportunity to "catch-up" on some of the development tasks and needs. Many of our foster children have disabilities that hinder the child’s ability to develop at a normal pace. You will need to help the foster child adjust to his/her limitations at his/her own pace, always remembering that this foster child is capable and lovable.

You can feel all your feelings. Foster children often times believe that their feelings are not important. Re-assure the foster child that in your foster home, they can feel and express all their feelings...worried, happy, alone, angry, helpless, glad, tired, scared, etc. Help the foster child to understand that we all have "ups and downs with feelings" and that we need to learn how to express those feelings to get our needs met. If you can do this with your foster child, this will be a gift for life.

I love you and I care for you willingly. It is often difficult for foster children to understand why you would love and care for them. There are many and diverse ways of showing love and care. Some examples include offering support verbally, being positive towards the child, stating "I love you" asking "Can I hug you?" or sharing a popsicle. I once had an adolescent male foster child that would not let us touch him. We were very concerned as to how this child would get his "hug portion." We used other methods, rubbed his head, gave back rubs, wrestled with him and left loving and caring notes for him. Every foster child’s needs are different in receiving love and care. Be creative and remember the importance of each foster child receiving the message: "I love you and care for you willingly."

As a foster parent of foster children with many needs and disabilities, remember that it’s very important for you to get your needs met and to believe these affirmation messages for yourself. You have to believe the affirmations in order for them to be effective; otherwise you offer conflicting messages that confuse children. So take care of yourself. You are loving and caring foster parents.

Reprinted from Wilder "Foster Facts" 1-88.