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Home Contact Parenting Fetal Alcohol Disabilities |
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“We
all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a
little of each other everywhere”
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Parenting Parenting - Change You to Help Them A shift in how to understand children with FASD may be
helpful.
D. Malbin (1994) Parenting the FASD Child
During the MFCA Fall Conference in Duluth I attended two excellent workshops on caring for fetal alcohol syndrome/fetal alcohol effect children. The first one was presented by Nadine King, a Native American PATH social worker from the St. Paul area. The second, “Programs, Interventions, and Strategies Used in Dealing with Children Who are Exposed to Drugs in the Womb,” was presented by Tina Morrison and Catherine Wright. Both are coordinators with the Model Cities Family Development Center of St. Paul. The foster parents had a wealth of experience. It was comforting to know that I am not alone in my search for solutions and answers. Statistics show that approximately 4,000 U.S. infants are born with FASD each year. Many more infants go undiagnosed because testing is not done. While the issue of pregnant women drinking or using drugs has been with us for years, only recently have doctors, researchers, and caregivers begun to track these children. Much more research and study are needed. All agree that the sooner intervention programs are available, the better the prognosis for the affected child. FASD is the only birth defect that is 100% preventable. Common physical features include: small stature; slow growth pattern; hypersensitivity to touch, light and sound; wide-set eyes; low-positioned ears; short, upturned nose; smoothed area between nose and upper lip; and central nervous damage. These children experience many behavioral and learning difficulties. Many are impulsive, ADD or ADHD, easily distracted or overstimulated, and have a poor self image. These children frquently have problems with transitions, new situations, and learning disabilities. They are often labeled as trouble makers, because they don’t learn from past mistakes. Parenting these children can be a challenge. There is no one right way to parent them. It is often hit or miss, trial and error. The base starting point appears to be constancy, structure, and routine. Accept the child, find his/her strengths, and capitalize on them. Every child is a valuable human being, full of wonder and curiousity. You may be familiar with The Broken Cord, a book by Michael Dorris. He tells the story of the struggle to raise an adopted FAS child. Other books are out there: Fantastic Antoine Succeeds! Experiences in Educating Children with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, by Judith Kleinfeld and Siobhan Wescott. Bruised before Birth: Parenting Children Exposed to Parental Substance Abuse, by Amy Bullock and Elizabeth Grimes. Of course there are more resources out there! I have read many articles and attended workshops. I will gladly share these sources with anyone who is interested. I propose forming a network of support to share thoughts, frustrations, and ideas on how to raise these children. I am an adoptive parent of a 6-year-old FAE child and a foster care provider of an FAS toddler. We have good days and days of despair. It would be great to share those times with others in the same boat! Please contact me with ideas on how to network our resources and to be included: Carolyn Strnad, 1409 North 10 St., Moorhead, MN 56560. The simplest way may be a newsletter format, but I am open to any ideas. Kerrin Ptacek, an MFCA board member, is willing to help get the ball rolling. [Please feel free to regularly submit articles to News and Views, for statewide publication!--Ed.] Thank you for all you do for these children! Carolyn Strnad is a child provider in Clay County, Minnesota. She and her husband Robert have four birth children, 1 adopted and 1 foster child. She coordinates a local support group for foster care providers in her county.
You Can Adjust the Sail! Parenting Children with Neurological
Differences I once heard the saying that “you can't change the wind, but you can adjust the sail.” This has proven to be a foundation from which my adult life has experienced tremendous growth and development, regardless of age. “Adjusting the sail” has become a familiar transitional approach to overcoming barriers and challenging unplanned life events. Among these challenges, the greatest has been to recognize the need to “throw out the old parenting tapes” I had used with my first three children, and, to use a Malbin phrase, “think outside of the box...trying differently rather than harder.” This recognition arrived with great trumpets and celebration, just as our adopted children had! All five of them! As many foster and adoptive families of children with Fetal Alcohol Effects can attest to, our traditional, tried and true parenting interventions failed us miserably in our efforts to “give our hearts and home” to new children. No one could have convinced us that our “love” and “skills” could not do wonders! After all the years we had spent with children, who knew them better than we did? And as any parent of children with Fetal Alcohol Effects can swear to, no greater wave of change had ever hit our family as hard as when these children arrived. Adjusting the sail meant coming to terms with our children's daily needs that required parenting that addressed their neurological differences. Traditional learning theories and behavior modification techniques were not effective for them. Strategies that worked before, such as time-outs and earning/losing privileges, proved inappropriate for these children who experienced prenatal exposure to alcohol and drugs. This adjustment or paradigm shift was difficult for us in the beginning, but, over time, has allowed us to feel comfort and confidence that we are meeting our children’s needs.. Adjusting the sail meant distancing ourselves from the judgmental statements of outsiders who declared, “You're spoiling that child!” and “He needs more discipline!” Unintentional and well-meaning remarks underscored the lack of understanding most people have about neurological impairment. The great need for education and awareness was emphasized to me repeatedly. Adjusting the sail meant making concrete changes in the children’s environment, both home and school. Establishing more visual cues and reminders, in addition to structure, routine and supervision, have become central adaptations for daily success on the entire family’s behalf. Emphasizing the importance of the children’s own voices and ideas around “what works” has proven to make the adaptations easier. Safety and acceptance are enduring experiences for these children within these parameters. Adjusting the sail meant reaching out a little further to include school staff, bus drivers, and counselors in daily communication and education in order to extend the environmental adaptations to cover all areas of the children’s lives. Structured sports and club activities have become an outlet for these children away from home. Foster and adoptive parenting these special needs children have allowed our family the opportunity to experience tremendous growth. The process of this growth included embracing relatives and family friends for support and encouragement, as well as infusing information around Fetal Alcohol issues within our local community. Adjusting the sail is a healthy step toward encouraging change, within us and for our children. Creating innovative strategies and encouraging the involvement of the children work to build self-esteem and confidence. Modeling collaboration with other helping professionals builds a lifetime network of understanding and support for the entire family. Parenting children with neurological differences has been the most humbling, yet rewarding, experience I have ever encountered. A lifetime of colorful memories and lessons are passionately implanted within me. There is still much education and work to be done for the recognition of Fetal Alcohol issues, both locally and globally. Adjusting the sail to meet those challenges will serve as the best tool to guide the way! Copyright 2000 Reprinted with permission of Connie Sirnio, MSW. http://hometown.aol.com/csirnio/myhomepage/index.html.
Minimizing Caregiver Stress in Dealing
with Prenatal Exposed Individuals How to minimize screaming (yours, not theirs):
When all else
fails send yourself
If I
Knew Then What I Know Now Sara was born in a alcohol rehab hospital to an alcoholic mother four weeks into a detox program. She came to us as our very first foster child. To us she was a six pound bundle of joy. She came with an oh, by the way, she may go through nicotine withdrawal! Alcohol Related Birth Defects and F.A.S. were words we never heard. If I knew then what I know now . . . After two short weeks Sara returned to a mother whose claims of love and bonding were met with concerns. She returned to us one year later, a mere seventeen pounds, severely abused and neglected, raised on Kool-aid, deprived of formula, traumatized by life. For three years our family, struggled with behaviors, impulsiveness, development delays, and exhausting, twenty-four hour care. We applied for educational and developmental services. We didn’t qualify. As experienced birth parents we questioned our techniques, our lack of training, and, at times, our sanity. I, along with the county social worker, pediatrician, and educational assessment team, all attributed her problems to her abuse, neglect and poor nutrition. Nothing we tried worked. If I knew then what I know now, could life have been different for Sara? Where would she be developmentally if I had insisted on services from birth as I do now for “suspected” F.A.S. infants entering my foster home? Would an understanding of how the bonding process is affected by F.A.S. have enabled us to approach an adoptive placement in a more successful manner? Could some of her behaviors have been managed better and possibly eliminated had I only known? When Sara was five, our pediatrician gave us the medical diagnose of ADHD and Fetal Alcohol Effects, enable us to access services. At first that was all the diagnose symbolized to me, mere initials that opened the door to services. We enrolled Sara in kindergarten assuming that school could now take over the developmental struggle. After twenty school conferences and continuing struggles at home, I took a step back, took another look at those initials and dove head first into the world of F.A.S. It has been surprisingly easy to find well written, easy to understand information on F.A.S. Information can be found on the internet, at medical and public libraries, and by attending conferences on the local and national level. The problem was getting the school and medical professionals to get on the band wagon with me. While they will readily admit that the alcohol in utero is a part of her problem, they often balked at my information and suggestions. Over time and persistence that attitude has changed. So what has life been like for the past nine years of living with an F.A.S. child? Chaotic, stressful, enjoyable and interesting. Sara requires so much one-on-one attention and care that it puts a great deal of stress on our family. Routine family outings or entertaining in our home is often risky. When you have a child with no fear of strangers, a family vacation turns into a supervision nightmare. Life long friends no longer invite you over because of the potential volatile behaviors. Homework can take the whole afternoon. Finding baby-sitters is a struggle. But Sara’s upbeat, happy approach to life’s struggles has given us a new way to look at life. If she can continue to meet life’s struggles head on, despite all that she has gone through, than we can continue to advocate for her. Over the years our family has learned to roll with the punches. We enjoy the good days and try to find humor during the stressful times. At times, life with Sara can consume you. At other times, it brings great joy. We've had to alter our dreams for this special child, but we have never looked back and questioned our decision to keep her. We recently formed a wraparound team to coordinate services. The team concentrates on the strengths of the child and family. We are very fortunate to have many professionals from the school and community agree to be a part of the team. If I knew then what I know now . . . I would have insisted on services immediately at birth. I would have taught her sign language as a means of communicating until her speech caught up with her. I would have started on day one working on appropriate behaviors, calming techniques and adaptive skills instead of assuming that she would pick those things up along the way. I would have hung a sign up reminding me to lower my expectations, remember the brain damage and to enjoy each day for the simplicity her outlook brings. Would all of this have made a difference? I believe it has in the foster children I have in my home now. Becoming educated on F.A.S. has made me a better advocate for Sara. If someone had told me almost ten years ago that I would be consumed by unraveling the mystery of F.A.S., I would have replied “Not me, I’m just a mom”. If I knew then what I know now! Carolyn Strnad has been a foster parent for Clay County for ten years. The last four years she has concentrated her efforts on FAS and special needs foster children. She has developed a resource book on FAS for schools. Carolyn is also a member of the Local Advisory Council on Children's Mental Health. |
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Foster and Adoptive Care Association
of Minnesota |
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