Behavior Management Techniques
Requiring Prior Approval

The following are techniques which may be used in certain circumstances, after you and the case manager, along with the client and other appropriate individuals, develop a plan to address client behavior:

• Use of mechanical restraints, including lap or wrist belts/straps.
• Use of manual restraint in which bodily contact is utilized to manage behavior.
• Administration of medication to address combativeness, anxiety, or night-time wandering.
• Use of “time outs” in bedroom or other common space.
• Restriction of senses in certain circumstances, such as placing headphones on resident in order to play music, or placing hands in front of eyes for a limited amount of time.
• Deprivation of food or drink temporarily if food cannot be consumed without combative or disruptive behavior.
• Inspection of room or belongings for restricted items, e.g. cigarettes.
• Whenever you are using techniques approved in a plan, and are unsure of whether a response is appropriate, please contact the case manager.
   

The “THINK ABOUT IT” book is a very simple concept. You have placed the child in “time out” place and you want him/her “to think about” why he/she is there. And so you:

Give him/her a notebook

At the top of the page write what you want him/her to think about –

• Example: “I hit my sister”

The child can:

• write down ideas he could use the next time.

• example: "I could tell her that I am angry and then walk away."

• write feeling words  I am angry, frustrated, I hate the whole world, etc.

• draw a picture of how he/she feels, or what happened, or what he/she will do next time.

The important thing is that he/she puts something on the paper.   

WHY?

THE CHILD:

• Is thinking about: What did I do? Why am I in time out?

• Is recognizing, identifying, naming his feelings this is a very hard thing for anyone to do. Putting it in writing (or drawings) really helps to clarify how we feel.

• Is calming down–venting feelings helps you to put them aside and move on.

• Is taught relaxation and coping skills.

• Discovers that a journal is one way to deal with feelings without hurting anyone.

THE PARENT

• You know that he has thought about why he is in “time out.” Parents are always telling kids, “Sit there and think about what you did.” But how do we know if they actually thought about anything?

• It is a good measuring stick. You know if the child is ready to cooperate, comply, and behave appropriately. If the child won't cooperate by writing something on the page, chances are the child isn’t going to cooperate in any other way. Time out may have to be extended if the chld refuses to comply.

• You are able to help the child see alternative actions and plan for better ways of dealing with frustration

• You get a glimpse into what the child is feeling.

RULE S

• As usual, my rule is “Don't punish the child even if you don't like what he wrote.” If he writes ‘f... off’, tell him, “I also need to see some “feeling words” that describe why he wants me to....Anger, frustration, etc. and then I’d like three alternative actions that you could take in the future.” Deal with this book as if it is a journal. It is part of the child's inner feelings.

• Treat the book and the child's feelings with respect. You may want to ask permission before reading it. Assure the child that there will be no reprisals for what is written there. And older children may make better use of it if they know you are not going to read it. It is a book that may be helpful to a therapist if the child is seeing one.

Teaching Skills with Responsibility

Building Responsibility

• Try a simple cardboard box to help make your child responsible for school belongings. Have your child choose a place for the box near the door or in his room. Every afternoon, his/her first task should be to place all belongings in the box. When homework is finished, it goes in the box, too. In the morning, the box is the last stop before heading out the door.

• Help children understand, and take responsibility for the consequences of their choices. “I chose to do my homework. The result was that I got an 'A' on my math test.” “I chose to get up 15 minutes late. The result was that I missed breakfast . . . and nearly missed the bus.”

• Try giving your child the responsibility of growing a small garden-even in just a flowerpot. The positive and negative results of carrying out your responsibilities are very clear.

• One reader found a way to keep children moving in the morning: After her daughter wakes up, Mom begins to play her favorite CD. Her daughter has until the side plays through to get herself dressed for school.

Reinforcing Learning

• Encourage kids to collect things. Whether they collect rocks, shells, leaves, or bugs is not important. But by collecting, children are learning new ways to make sense out of their world.

• Estimating is an important math skill. We estimate how much our groceries will cost. We estimate how much time we'll need to complete a project at work. You can help your child learn to estimate at home. Here's one idea: As you're driving, estimate the distance to your destination. Then estimate how much time it will take to get there. Use the odometer or a map to check your work.

• Talk about geography in terms children can understand: Go through your house and talk about where things came from. A calculator may have come from Taiwan. A box of cereal may have a Battle Creek, Michigan address, or White Plains, New York. Talk about where the wheat for your bread came from. Where was the cotton for your blue jeans grown? Tell your children where your ancestors came from. Find the places on a map.

• Show your children that writing is useful. Have them help you write a letter ordering something, asking a question, etc. Then show them the results of your letter.

Homework

• Try playing “Beat the Clock” with your child during homework time. Look over the assignment and figure out about how long it should take to complete it. Allow a little extra time and set a timer for that many minutes. No prizes are needed. There is great satisfaction in getting the work done on time.

• Teach your child to use the formula “SQ3R” when doing any homework assignment. The letters stand for a proven five-step process that makes study time more efficient and effective: Survey, Question, Read, Restate, Review.

• Here are five tips to make homework time easier-for you and your child:

1. Have a regular place for your child to do homework. Use a desk or table in a quiet room. Be sure there's plenty of light.

2. Find a regular time for homework. You may want to make a rule, “No television until homework is finished.”

3. During homework time, turn off the TV and radio.

4. Help your child plan how she'll/he’ll use her/his time.

5. Set a good example. While your child is doing homework, spend some time reading or working yourself. Then when homework is done, you can both talk about how much you've accomplished.

• Look over your child's homework everyday. Start at an early age and keep it up as long as you can. Praise good work. Your interest will encourage good work.

• Let your child teach you the homework. The teacher always learns more than the student.

What can I do to help the children under my care become winners? The foundation for success lies in the belief that the best solution to any problem comes from within. Then if you don’t find the answers ask for advice from others.

Parents and teachers can help children develop this attitude by being understanding and sympathetic each time a child has a problem. This can be done in a variety of ways such as, “I bet that really bothers you,” or “Wow! I bet that makes you feel mad!” or “If that happened to me, I would really feel.”

These types of statements usually bring about some kind of response, which conveys that the child is relieved that we understand. As soon as we see that response, it is time to ask one of the most important questions children ever here, “What do you think you are going to do about it?” This is power!

Adapted from: © Parents Do Make A Difference! How to Raise Kids with Solid Character, Strong Minds and Caring Hearts by Michele Borba, Ed.D. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers, 1999. ISBN 0-7879-4605-2.

It’s hard finding a parent these days who isn’t worried about their kids’ emotional well-being. And rightly so! These are scary, hard times to raise any child, but for children who have had trauma in their lives, it is especially difficult. And there's no doubt foster children are amongst the highest at risk.

In my work as a consultant in schools, one of the biggest trends I'm seeing with all kids is an increase in aggression and anger. Whether we care to admit it or not, the steady onslaught of violent images on television, video games, the Internet, movies, music lyrics, and in our newspapers are hurting our children. Tragically, many foster kids are not just seeing images in print or on a screen: they have personally witnessed them. The result: too many kids are becoming desensitized to violence, and have learned that anger is the only way to solve a problem.

While that's the bad news, there is some good news and here it is: violence is learned, but so is calmness! That simply means we can teach children how to express their anger so they stay in control and out of trouble. But it's not just that we can teach our kids anger management skills, we must teach them and we must do so deliberately, consciously and passionately. Doing so will make a significant difference in their lives, because they'll be able to use these skills not only now but forever.

I’ve included six ideas from my new book, Parents Do Make a Difference to help teach your kids calmer more constructive ways to express their anger. These ideas have been presented to many foster parents in trainings and the feedback has been profound: they’re simple techniques and when used consistently they will work. And the younger we teach these techniques to children, the better! It’s one of the ways we can prevent the development of aggressive, hostile behavior that is tormenting too many kids today. Here's six ideas to get you started:

1 Model Calmness. The best way to teach kids how to deal with anger constructively is by showing them through your example! After all, you don't learn how to calm down by reading about it in a book, but by seeing someone do it. Use those frustrating experiences as “on-the-spot lessons” of ways to calm down. Here’s an example. Suppose you get a phone call from the auto shop saying your car estimate has now doubled. You’re furious! Standing nearby is your child hearing the conversation and now watching you very closely. Muster every ounce of calmness and use it as an instant anger control lesson: “I am so angry right now” you calmly tell your child. “The auto shop just doubled the price for fixing my car.” Then offer a calm-down solution: “I’m going on a quick walk so I can get back in control.” You’re now a living example of calmness, and that example is what your child will copy.

2 Exit and Calm Down. One of the toughest parts of parenting is when children address their anger towards us. If you’re not careful, you find their anger fueling emotions in you that you never realized were there. Beware: anger is contagious. It’s best to make a rule in your home from the start: “In this house we solve problems when we’re calm and in control.” And then consistently reinforce the rule.

Here’s an example of how you might use it. The next time your child is angry and wants a quick solution, you might say, “I need a time out. Let’s talk about this later” and then exit calmly and don't answer back. I had one foster mom tell me her only escape was to lock herself in the bathroom. The child continued kicking and screaming, but she would not come out until he was calm. It took a few “locked up times” for the child to realize she meant business. And from then on the child knew that mom would only talk about the problem when he was in control.

Exiting calmly then talking is especially difficult rule to uphold when you’re dealing with aggressive kids who love power struggles. I did a two-day foster training in Pasadena recently and a foster dad told me one of his teenage boys always wanted to argue everything. Too often, the father admitted, he ended up heatedly arguing with him. So he decided to try the rule that night. As predicted, the boy came up angry and immediately started yelling. Remembering the rule, the father calmly looked at him saying, “You sound upset. Let’s talk when you're in control,” and walked away. Later that evening, the teenager questioned the father, “Hey, what's wrong with you anyway?” When the father asked what he meant, the son replied, “Well, you didn't yell at me. Something must be the matter with you” and walked away. At the next day's training session, the father explained how the encounter convinced him to stop getting into power struggles with his son. And he vowed from then on to exit at the first sign of confrontation, and talk later when everyone was calm.

3 Develop a Feeling Vocabulary. Many kids display anger because they simply don't know how to express their frustrations any other way. Kicking, screaming, swearing, hitting or throwing things may be the only way they know how to show their feelings. Asking this kid to “tell me how you feel” is unrealistic, because he may not have learned the words to tell you how he is feeling! To help him express his anger, create a feeling word poster together saying: “Let's think of all the words we could use that tell others we're really angry” then list his ideas. Here's a few: angry, mad, frustrated, furious, irritated, ticked off, irate, and incensed. Write them on a chart, hang it up, and practice using them often. When your child is angry, use the words so he can apply them to real life: “Looks like you're really angry. Want to talk about it?” or “You seem really irritated. Do you need to walk it off?” Then keep adding new emotion words to the list whenever new ones come up in those great “teachable moments” opportunities throughout the day.

4 Create a Calm Down Poster. There’s dozens of ways to help kids calm down when they first start to get angry. Unfortunately, many kids have never been given the opportunity to think of those other possibilities. And so they keep getting into trouble because the only way they know inappropriate ways to express their anger So talk with your child about more acceptable “replacer” behaviors. You might want to make a big poster listing them. Here’s a few ideas a group of fourth graders thought of: walk away, think of a peaceful place, run a lap, listen to music, hit a pillow, shoot baskets, draw pictures, talk to someone, or sing a song. Once the child chooses his “calm down” technique, encourage him to use the same strategy each time he starts to get angry. Repetition of the new anger management strategy again and again is the best way for it to become a habit.

5 Develop an Awareness of Early Warning Signs. Explain to your child that we all have little signs that warn us when we’re getting angry. We should listen to them because they can help us stay out of trouble. Next, help your child recognize what specific warning signs she may have that tells her she’s starting to get upset such as, “I talk louder, my cheeks get flushed, I clench my fists, my heart pounds, my mouth gets dry and I breathe faster.” Once she's aware of them, start pointing them out to her whenever she first starts to get frustrated. “Looks like you're starting to get out of control.” or “Your hands are in a fist now. Do you feel yourself starting to get angry?” You may want to develop a secret signal between the two of you like touching your ear or tapping your head that you can use in public.

The more we help kids recognize those early angry warning signs when their anger is first triggered, the better they will be able to calm themselves down. It’s also the time when anger management strategies are most effective. Anger escalates very quickly, and waiting until a child is already in “melt down” to try to get her back into control is usually too late.

6 Teach Anger Control Strategies. A very effective strategy for helping kids to calm down is called “3 + 10.” You might want to print the formula on large pieces of paper and hang them all around your house. Then tell the child how to use the formula: “As soon as you feel your body sending you a warning sign that says you're losing control, do two things. First, take 3 deep slow breaths from your tummy.” (Please, please model this with your child. Show her how to take a deep breath. Tell her to pretend she’s riding an escalator. Start at the bottom step and as you take the breath ride up the escalator slowly. Hold it! Now ride slowly down the escalator releasing your breath steadily at the same time). “That's 3. Now count slowly to ten inside your head. That’s 10. Put them all together, it’s 3 + 10 and it helps you calm down.”

A Few Final Thoughts

Teaching kids a new way to deal with their anger constructively is not easy – especially if they have only practiced aggressive ways to deal with their frustrations. Research tells us learning new behaviors–such as recognizing anger triggers, exiting then talking, 3 +10–take a minimum of 21 days of repetition. So here’s my recommendation: Choose one skill your child needs to be more successful and emphasize the same skill a few minutes every day for at least 21 days! After he learns that skill, then teach the next (and the next and the next). Think of your teaching as “one minute a day for 21 days” and it instantly becomes more realistic. Besides, the possibility your child will really learn the new skill will be much stronger, because he's been practicing the same technique over and over, and that’s exactly the way you learn any new skill. It’s also the best way to stem the onslaught of violence and help our kids lead more successful, peaceful lives. You do make a difference!

This article featured ways to help children deal with anger. There are many other skills children need to survive in life! Parents Do Make A Difference: How to Raise Kids with Solid Character, Strong Minds and Caring Hearts teaches parents how to teach kids the eight indispensable skills research says they need for living happy, contented, successful lives: self-confidence, communication, getting along, perseverance, self-awareness, problem solving, goal-setting and caring. You'll find over 1,054 simple ways to teach these skills along with videos and websites to view, children’s literature to read and dozens of research-based tips. Many of these ideas were first presented at trainings for foster parents and the receptivity was so strong, they were included in the book. The ideas are simple, they’re proven, and they do make a difference.

© Parents Do Make A Difference! How to Raise Kids with Solid Character, Strong Minds and Caring Hearts by Michele Borba, Ed.D. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass Publishers, 1999. ISBN 0-7879-4605-2. To order:  800-956-7739  Dr. Michele Borba is an internationally-recognized consultant in strengthening children’s self-esteem, achievement, and motivation who frequently conducts trainings for foster parents. She is an inspirational and highly sought-after trainer and has presented conference keynotes and in-house training programs for more than 550,000 participants in 43 states, Canada, Europe, Asia, and the South Pacific. Michele is the author of over 24 books, including Parents Do Make A Difference and Esteem Builders used by over 1,500,000 students worldwide, and five audio and videocassette programs. She has been a frequent guest on nationally syndicated radio and television talk shows and her work has been featured in such publications as Chicken Soup for the Soul, Family Circle, Newsweek, Family Fun, First for Women, and Los Angeles Times. Michele has been a field instructor for the Bureau of Education and Research and has received numerous awards including the National Educator Award by the National Council of Self-Esteem. http://www.fosterparents.com/borba.html

One thing wrong with this strategy is the fact that we attack on all fronts, instead of focusing on just one enemy at a time. Foster parents must pick their battles carefully. There are two basic reasons this is best. Number one is the fact that kids can not usually successfully work on a whole array of problems at one time. The second reason is for the sake of the foster parent. You will burn out too quickly if you don’t reserve your strength.

But you say, these kids have soooo many problems. They need so much help. You count off the problems on your fingers, but before you get to your toes, slow down. Try to remember it took many years for these problems to develop. You cannot fix this kid by Friday. You will need to pick your battles.

This assessment to decide which war you wage may take a bit of time. It is also hard to do when you still don't know the child well. Until you truly connect with a kid, you must rely on first impressions and what you have actually witnessed.

It is necessary to prioritize this child’s needs when deciding which behaviors to conquer, and help him meet challenges necessary for a functional life.

We developed a system. First, list all the major problems. Put things in perspective, this is usually not going to include things like he does not make his bed, or he forgets to brush his teeth. If these are this kid’s most pressing problem, pat yourself on the back, give him a big hug, and be content that you are so lucky. I’m thinking more in the terms of items like he is violent toward others, he uses pot, he steals, or he cannot stay in school. You know — the kinds of issues foster parents deal with every day.

Next, start to prioritize them. I tend to divide them into the following categories.

• Behaviors, activities, or problems that are dangerous to other’s well being.

• Behaviors, activities, or problems that are dangerous to the foster child’s physical well being.

• Behaviors, activities, or problems that are dangerous to other’s mental/emotional well being.

• Behaviors, activities, or problems that are dangerous to the foster child’s mental/emotional well being.

• Behaviors, activities, or problems that are against the law.

• Behaviors, activities, or problems that interfere with the foster child’s education.

• Behaviors, activities, or problems that interfere with the running of the household.

• All other negative behaviors, activities, or problems that you need work on.

Start at the top and work your way down.

Work on one problem to its solution before tackling another one. The only time you should break this rule is when you are getting nowhere after months and months of work then focus on another problem for awhile, going back to the first after the new one is solved.

You may see this list differently than others do and change the arrangement of priorities. Even foster parents have pet peeves, pet projects, or their own things that drive them crazy. I remember one foster mom who took really tough kids. The only ones she would refuse were those with blue hair. Drove her crazy. We can laugh about such a silly thing, but if the child is where you can see them, day after day and a little thing sets you off, you will be unable to parent that kid effectively. I believe foster parents should always have the option to decide if a child will fit into their home and lifestyle. There are so many kids out there; we should be able to accommodate most parents. I also believe their requests should be reasonable, blue hair is probably not a real valid excuse, but I can understand it just the same.

I feel any behavior that can lead to death or injury for anyone must be number one on your list. That battle has a high chance of casualties if you do not attack there. One battle at a time, unless the problem will prove to be a small, little skirmish. Kids can work effectively on correcting one behavior. They will be more successful if they believe this is the one thing that will please you (and shut you up). When you approach with a long list in hand, they don’t fight, they don't surrender, and they just play dead. They don’t hear you or even care what you are saying. It is impossible to redirect them. It is impossible to implement a plan or develop a procedure. They have turned you off, and they will not be part of your little war since they are sure they cannot win. Make it easier on them by giving them one front to battle at a time. Then, everyone wins.

To all foster parents who have taken up arms to battle for our kids, I commend you.

 "Picking your Battles" first appeared at Foster Parent Community at http://www.fosterparents.com/ Jo Ann Wentzel is Senior Editor of: http://www.parentingteens.com  Parenting Today's Teen

Capturing A Sense of Safety

Traumatic events such as Littleton, Colorado can have intense reactions from our already traumatized children and adults in care. Individuals can experience post traumatic stress from identification with the students who endured the violence.  And you, too, experience empathy and shock for the parents whose children are direct victims.

Expression is the first step of recovery.

• Establish a safe environment for talking about feelings.

• Show your willingness to talk  about feelings, but do not force talking. Expression will come when the person is ready. Let them know you too, are stunned and saddened. 

• Answer questions honestly, but do not try to explain anything you cannot understand yourself.

• Refrain from giving false promises, “This can never happen to you” but do convey a sense that you believe this tragedy will cause people everywhere to actively search for needed answers.

The second step in the recovery process includes:

• Being able to address or actively respond to the traumatic event. Being witness to a crime is traumatic because the witness was helpless to stop the crime. In a true sense, we are all witnesses to this tragedy, and as such need to actively respond to heal. Let her know you are deeply concerned, and will be talking with other parents and teachers about safety at her school.

• Connecting with others allows us to express the shock, pain and grief rather than repress it. Children who do repress fear or grief initially, may experience delayed stress symptoms later. A pattern of sleeplessness, anxiety, nightmares, or even depression may result if overwhelming feelings have no opportunity to be released. 

• Encourage your child's physical, creative and artistic avenues of expression at this time.

• Expect your child to respond to this trauma individually, and at their age of development. Younger children will be more focused on safety alone. Older children in junior high and high school may come home debating interpretations of nonconformity and individualism.  Girls may reach out more, while boys may tend towards keeping more of their feelings inside.

• Most importantly be there for each other with sensitivity and caring.

Carefully pick and choose your battles to avoid power struggles and expand your strategies to include more clever kinds of intervention while maintaining a firm commitment to higher standards. 

Structure

Stop the mad morning rush. Help children lay out their clothing the night before and provide a morning schedule, when breakfast begins and ends, out the door time, bus time.

Provide Transitions

Provide a a five-minute warning and a one minute warning about the approaching meal instead of suddenly interrupting a play session. Then make it fun: “Let’s see who can wash their hands and be to the table in 60 seconds.”

Judgment

Instead of saying that they must stop doing something (such as roughhousing near breakable items), ask them what they think will happen if they keep doing what they are doing.

Empower

Include children in discussions about the division of labor in the home. Make the child feel worthwhile, liked and successful.

Choices

Diffuse the food standoff.: "You can either (eat, drink) it now, or later during snack time. It's your choice. Which would you prefer?"  Give the child a choice only we you intend to accept the choice.

Incentives

Determine what must be done first and what is available after. When you have.....then you may statements. “After you finish the entire meal, you can have the ice cream you wanted for dessert.”

Humor

Avoid the power struggle, “No, I won't put on my jacket,” we can smile and say, “C'mon, I'll be the zipper guy (or lady) if you get the jacket on.”

Got ideas to share, please send me e-mail jodee@connetworks.com or call Jodee Kulp 612-531-9548

Provide Transitions

At  bedtime don’t send a child to bed when either of you are angry.

• Deal with the anger in cuddle time. Ending the day safe in your arms will do more for the child’s ability  to learn to trust than almost anything else you can do. It tells him that no matter how awful he was that day, you do not reject him.

• Don’t bring up all or any of his past sins. just tell him you love him.

• This can be a two or three minute cuddle if you can’t deal with the child any longer than that.

• It is a great time for a story—my grandpa always told me stories about me going on great and heroic adventures. I don’t remember any of them now, but I do remember being held in grandpa’s arms.

Got ideas to share, please send me e-mail jodee@connetworks.com or call Jodee Kulp 612-531-9548

Dealing With Difficult People

Loud, controlling, name calling and blaming these children take little responsibility for their actions as they lace their defense with a big attitude. Parents and caregivers struggling to work with these children can try some of the following techniques to help get the red out.

Think before you speak back

• Put yourself in the other’s shoes

• Stay calm

• Don’t use negative body language

• Look for the positives in the child and build on them.

• Seek ways to promote planned successes.

• Use humor, being careful that it is humor the child can understand. For example: Double meanings and puns can feel very abusive to a child who is not developmentally capable of understanding them.

• Take a break -- read a daily scripture book, a short story or magazine article.

Conflict resolution is based on Respect, Responsibility, Honesty and Compromise. Make these four foundational stones a part of your everyday family life.

Today we’re going to practice some special kinds of exercises called relaxation exercises. These exercises help you to learn how to relax when you're feeling up-tight and help you get rid of those butterflies-in-your-stomach kinds of feelings. They're also kind of neat because you can learn how to do some of them without anyone really noticing.

 In order for you to get the best feelings from these exercises, there are some rules you must follow. First, you must do exactly what I say, even if it seems kind of silly. Second, you must try hard to do what I say. Third, you must pay attention to your body. Throughout these exercises, pay attention to how your muscles feel when they are tight and when they are loose and relaxed. And fourth, you must practice. The more you practice, the more relaxed you can get. Do you have any questions?

 Are you ready to begin? Okay, first, get as comfortable as you can in your chair. Sit back, get both feet on the floor, and just let your arms hang loose. That's fine. Now close your eyes and don't open them until I say to. Remember to follow my instructions very carefully, try hard, and pay attention to your body. Here we go.

Hands and Arms   Pretend you have a whole lemon in your left hand. Now squeeze it hard. Try to squeeze all the juice out. Feel the tightness in your hand and arm as you squeeze. Now drop the lemon. Notice how your muscles feel when they are relaxed. Take another lemon and squeeze. Try to squeeze this one harder than you did the first one. That’s right. Real hard. Now drop the lemon and relax. See how much better your hand and arm feel when they are relaxed. Once again, take a lemon in your left hand and squeeze all the juice out. Don’t leave a single drop. Squeeze hard. Good. Now relax and let the lemon fall from your hand.

 (Repeat the process for the right hand and arm.)

Arms and Shoulders  Pretend you are a furry, lazy cat. You want to stretch. Stretch your arms out in front of you. Raise them up high over your head. Way back. Feel the pull in your shoulders. Stretch higher. Now just let your arms drop back to your side. Okay, kitten, let’s stretch again. Stretch your arms out in front of you. Raise them over your head. Pull them back, way back. Pull hard. Now let them drop quickly. Good. Notice how your shoulders feel more relaxed. This time let's have a great big stretch. Try to touch the ceiling. Stretch your arms way out in front of you. Raise them way up high over your head. Push them way, way back. Notice the tension and pull in your arms and shoulders. Hold tight, now. Great. Let them drop very quickly and feel how good it is to be relaxed. It feels good and warm and lazy.

 Jaw   You have a giant jawbreaker bubble gum in your mouth. It’s very hard to chew. Bite down on it. Hard! Let your neck muscles help you. Now relax. Just let your jaw hang loose. Notice that how good it feels just to let your jaw drop. Okay, let’s tackle that jawbreaker again now. Bite down. Hard! Try to squeeze it out between your teeth. That’s good. You're really tearing that gum up. Now relax again. Just let your jaw drop off your face. It feels good just to let go and not have to fight that bubble gum. Okay, one more time. We’re really going to tear it up this time. Bite down. Hard as you can. Harder. Oh, you’re really working hard. Good. Now relax. Try to relax your whole body. You’ve beaten that bubble gum. Let yourself go as loose as you can.

 Face and Nose  Here comes a pesky old fly. He has landed on your nose. Try to get him off without using your hands. That’s right, wrinkle up your nose. Make as many wrinkles in your nose as you can. Scrunch your nose up real hard. Good. You’ve chased him away. Now you can relax your nose. Oops, here he comes back again. Right back in the middle of your nose. Wrinkle up your nose again. Shoo him off. Wrinkle it up hard. Hold it just as tight as you can. Okay, he flew away. You can relax your face. Notice that when you scrunch up your nose your cheeks and your mouth and your forehead and your eyes all help you, and they get tight too. So when you relax your nose, your whole body relaxes too, and that feels good. Oh-oh. This time that old fly has come back, but this time he’s on your forehead. Make lots of wrinkles. Try to catch him between all those wrinkles. Hold it tight, now. Okay, you can let go. He’s gone for good. Now you can just relax. Let your face go smooth, no wrinkles anywhere. Your face feels nice and smooth and relaxed.

 Stomach   Hey! Here comes a cute baby elephant. But he’s not watching where he’s going. He doesn't see you lying in the grass, and he's about to step on your stomach. Don’t move. You don’t have time to get out of the way. Just get ready for him. Make your stomach very hard. Tighten up your stomach muscles real tight. Hold it. It looks like he is going the other way. You can relax now. Let your stomach go soft. Let it be as relaxed as you can. That feels so much better. Oops, he’s coming this way again. Get Ready. Tighten up your stomach. Real hard. If he steps on you when your stomach is hard, it won't hurt. Make your stomach into a rock. Okay, he’s moving away again. You can relax now. Kind of settle down, get comfortable, and relax. Notice the difference between a tight stomach and a relaxed one. That’s how we want to feel---nice and loose and relaxed. You won’t believe this, but this time he’s coming your way and no turning around. He's headed straight for you. Tighten up. Tighten hard. Here he comes. This is really it. You’ve got to hold on tight. He’s stepping on you. He’s stepped over you. Now he’s gone for good. You can relax completely. You’re safe. Everything is okay, and you can feel nice and relaxed.

 This time imagine that you want to squeeze through a narrow fence and the boards have splinters on them. You’ll have to make yourself very skinny if you're going to make it through. Suck your stomach in. Try to squeeze it up against your backbone. Try to be skinny as you can. You’ve got to be skinny now. Just relax and feel your stomach being warm and loose. Okay, let’s try to get through that fence now. Squeeze up your stomach. Make it touch your backbone. Get it real small and tight. Get it as skinny as you can. Hold tight, now. You’ve got to squeeze through. You got through that narrow little fence and no splinters! You can relax now. Settle back and let your stomach come back out where it belongs. You can feel really good now. You've done fine.

 Legs and Feet   Now pretend that you are standing barefoot in a big, fat mud puddle. Squish your toes down deep into the mud. Try to get your feet down to the bottom of the mud puddle. You’ll probably need your legs to help you push. Push down, spread your toes apart, feel the mud squish up between your toes. Now step out of the mud puddle. Relax your feet. Let your toes go loose and feel how nice that it feels to be relaxed. Back into the mud puddle. Squish your toes down. Let your leg muscles help push your feet down. Push your feet. Hard. Try to squeeze that puddle dry. Okay. Come back out now. Relax your feet, relax your legs, relax your toes. It feels so good to be relaxed. No tenseness anywhere. You feel kind of warm and tingly.

Love and Logic One Liners

Jim Fay and Dr. Foster Cline say that children are able to ‘hook’ their parents into arguments. They offer some Love and Logic One Liners that will get parents off the hook. The “one liners” are only effective when said with genuine compassion and understanding.

• “Probably so” (You might use this when your child tells you the rules aren’t fair)

• “I know” (This is a good response when a child persists with pleas of how awful his or her life will be if you don’t do something)

• “Thanks for sharing” (This might be good for whining behavior)

• “Nice try” (Use this when the child tries to guilt you into changing your mind.)

• “I’ll love you whereever you live.” (If a child threatens to run away)

• “I bet it feels that way.” (This statement shows compassion for their pain)

• “What do you think you’re going to do?” (This encourage the child to solve problem)

• “I don’t know. What do you think?” (This gets them to think for themselves.

• “I bet that’s true.” (When they want something you are unwilling to provide and they have pointed out how terrible things will be if they don’t get what they want.)

• “That’s an option.” (This might work when the child purposely proposes and option he or she knows you won’t like.)

• “Bummer. How sad.” (A way to show compassion without solving the problem for the child)