Stealing Affection   
By Buff Bradley

Mandy is a bright and lively seven-year-old who started stealing from her second-grade classmates earlier this year. She took small things—pencils, crayons, books—and then lied about where she got them. Each time Mandy was caught, her teacher, the principal, and her parents explained to her that it was wrong to take what wasn’t hers, that it hurt her friends when she stole from them, that if there were things she wanted and needed, she should ask for them. She was made to return the stolen items and apologize. But Mandy kept on stealing.

There is no reason to believe that Mandy—or any child who takes what’s not hers—is destined for a life of larceny. But parents do need to ask themselves why their child steals.

Like most behaviors, stealing is a way for kids to communicate a message, but the motivation may not be easy for a child to articulate. By deciphering the signals their children are sending, and responding appropriately to them instead of reacting solely to the negative conduct parents are much more likely to be able to stop the stealing before it gets out of hand.

A call for help

When very young children take what’s not theirs, it isn't really “stealing.” Kids four years old or younger are apt to take something simply because they want it; they don't comprehend that it doesn't belong to them. Only with time and maturity do kids fully grasp the concept of ownership.

Some older kids may decide to steal because they don't see any other way of getting something they truly want; their parents have refused to buy it for them, and their allowance won't cover it. Other kids take things for the excitement or to test their limits.

Probably the most common reason for kids' stealing, according to Chicago psychologist Sally Heyneman, is that something important is missing in their lives.

“A lot of children take things,” she says, “because they feel empty, because they want attention, because they aren’t being heard. These children may feel like they don’t have permission to speak about what they’re feeling, so stealing is their way of speaking.”

Maybe these kids are lonely; perhaps they're having trouble at school, or with friends; possibly their parents are not spending enough time with them. Because they have emotional needs that aren't being satisfied, they’re likely to translate those needs into material desires and to seek gratification by stealing.

Parents may even unintentionally “teach” their kids to steal, adds Heyneman. ”We tell children not to get into other people’s stuff,” she says, “but we get into theirs all the time. How many parents take food off their children’s plates without asking, or ‘borrow’ money from piggy banks when the kids are away?” Although parents think such intrusions are inconsequential, kids may feel they’ve been robbed, and they may begin to get the idea that stealing is a reasonable way to acquire what they want. In spite of what Mom and Dad say about stealing, what they do speaks more loudly.

Whether or not there’s any pilfering of piggy banks going on, the reasons many kids steal may be directly attributable to their parents. When Ellen Camarda, a marriage, family, and child counselor in Canyon Country, California, works with a child who’s being stealing, the first thing she does is check out the home situation. “Often, when a kid steals,” says Camarda, “there’s something going wrong in the family.”

If their parents are fighting—either actively or passively—kids generally have no way of knowing how serious the problem might be, and they get scared. Will Mom and Dad get divorced? What will happen to me? When parents aren't getting along, they focus their attention on their difficulties, not on their children. As a result, the kids can feel abandoned.

“Kids will steal to unite their parents,” says Camarda. “They’re really quite brilliant. They know how to shift the attention away from the arguing and onto themselves. Even if it means being punished, most kids would rather have it that way than continue to witness their parents' fighting.”

Recognizing what’s wrong

When children feel unloved, when parents seem uninterested in what kids are feeling, when a sibling appears to be receiving all the attention, stealing is one way kids can express their hurt and say, “I need something I’m not getting!” In Mandy’s case, what she needed was some reassurance that her parents loved her as much as they loved her little brother.

Eventually Mandy’s family was referred by school officials to Camarda, who learned that Mandy had been adopted when she was an infant. Several years after that, Mandy’s adoptive mother gave birth to a baby boy. Although Mandy never said so directly. Camarda sensed that over the years the little girl, who knew she had been adopted, began feeling as if she were no longer a real member of the family. The counselor suggested that Mandy’s parents “adopt” their son—that they invent a ceremony to symbolically bring their now three-year old boy into the family as Mandy had been brought in. Mandy played a central role in planning and carrying out the ceremony, which included singing, cake, and ice cream. At the end of the ceremony, Mandy, her little brother, and their parents all jumped through a Hula Hoop together. Mandy hasn’t stolen anything since.

Of course, the motivations that give rise to stealing are not always so clear. Parents need to speak and listen sensitively to their children in order to identify the real problem. Both Heyneman and Camarda advise taking a gentle approach, free from indignation and heavy moralizing, if parents Iearn that their child has been stealing. If the child is very young, it’s a good idea to determine her true understanding of “things that belong to me” and "things that belong to others.”

By the time they’re five, most kids have figured out what does and does not belong to them. But because they know the difference between right and wrong, it’s all the more important for parents to treat instances of theft with compassion and concern. “Put yourself on your child’s side,” suggest Camarda, “rather than being an adversary. You could say, for instance, that you understand what it’s like to see something that looks so good and to want it so badly that you just take it. If you remember stealing something when you were young, you can share that experience with your child too.”

In their own words

Parents who believe they know why their child has stolen something should not just flatly declare what they think was the reason for the theft, for that is a way of “stealing” the child’s feelings. “It’s too easy for parents to label their child’s emotions and motivations,” says Heyneman, “and it’s inappropriate. What’s important is letting the child express what’s going on for him, in his own way.” Rather than saying, “I know what’s wrong,” ask questions that invite kids to bring their concerns out into the open: Is your allowance enough for you to buy some of the things you want? Would you like our help in learning how to save money? Are you feeling that we don't spend enough time together? Are there things going on between Daddy and me that bother you?

There is certainly no guarantee that kids will immediately open up and bare their souls. Some are apt to be extremely cautious. Other kids may find it particularly difficult to articulate their emotions. But by asking about their feelings, rather than cross-examining them and inveighing against thievery, parents go directly to the heart of the problem, providing the care and loving attention that may have been missing.

Taking children’s motives into account, however, does not mean discounting what actually happened. Kids need to realize that stealing is unacceptable and that it has serious consequences. Heyneman and Camarda agree that a child who is capable of understanding her actions should be required to return what she’s stolen, to apologize, and to hear what the victim has to say about being robbed. Parents who are upset about stealing can say so- without burying their child under a heap of anger and invective: “It really bothers me that you took something that wasn’t yours. I hope we can get to them bottom of this so it won’t ever happen again.” Older kids, and teenagers in particular, might have certain privileges withdrawn for a period of time.

Although it’s appropriate that negative behavior should have negative consequences, in the end, kids learn far more from positive reinforcement. When parents give their attention willingly and lovingly, children won’t have to steal it.

Buff Bradley, “Stealing Affection,” from the book, Parenting, p.139-140. Reprinted from “Reaching Out,” July 1989, published by the Department of Child Protective and Foster Care Services, Chicago.