• General Tips for Building Self-Esteem
• How to Build Self-Esteem

General Tips for Building Self-Esteem
National Center for Learning Disabilities

Learning disabilities often result in experiences of repeated failure and frustration. Cycles of unrewarded effort can erode self-confidence and result in low self-esteem. Parents and professionals can assist by creating a positive mind-set, providing tools and strategies for self-improvement, and fostering a caring and supportive environment.

1. Children should be helped to set realistic goals.

• Parents and children should share a common set of expectations.

• Be prepared to discuss goals and expectations freely, and be sure to leave opportunities for review and change as needed.

2. Give children frequent, positive feedback.

• Break activities into small steps.

• Create lists of steps to guide longer tasks.

3. Show your appreciation.

• A gesture or kind word reinforces helping behavior and good feelings.

• All children need and deserve to be loved; be a good listener, empathize with failures, acknowledge frustrations, and celebrate successes.

4. Constructive criticism works best.

• Feedback from teachers and parents to children is of critical importance; feedback should acknowledge good effort and address areas of suggested improvement. (“The report is terrific. Your illustrations are wonderful; let’s take another look at the reference section.”)

• Judge the behavior (“you shouldn't break the toy”) not the child (“you are bad”).

5. Accentuate the positive.

• Focusing on children's strengths will help to keep motivation levels high.

• Helping children capitalize on special talents and interests will boost enthusiasm and pride; nothing builds self-esteem like success.

6. Frustration is not all bad.

• Allowing children to experience some frustration is critical to learning; don't come to the rescue with a “quick fix”; help explore options and repair strategies.

7. Family matters.

• Acknowledge children's important status in the family.

• Children's self-worth can be greatly enhanced by being included in decision-making (“What color do you think we should paint that room?”).

8. Common courtesy and manners are important.

• Explain how to accept a compliment.

• Encourage socially preferred language.

9. Promote self-advocacy.

• Children can be effective self-advocates when they are able to communicate needs and desires in a clear, concise manner.

• Be positive about expectations and be a partner in problem-solving.

10. Encourage good social skills.

• Acknowledge the need to recognize and appreciate the feelings of others.

• Recognize and lable facial expressions, body posture, and vocal cues.

• Match expectations to reactions; misunderstandings are often easy to avoid when people agree on what is acceptable behavior.

11. Expect that mistakes will happen.

• Help children appreciate that everyone makes mistakes; offer examples to decrease feelings of disappointment.

• Talk about errors and mishaps openly; be objective and consider the context.

• Explain that trial and error are valuable parts of the learning process.

12. Encourage independence.

• Encourage independence, particularly self-help skills and activities for daily living.

• Encourage planning, risk-taking, and evaluation of consequences; start with small decisions and provide feedback as an “interested observer.”

Affirming Your Child’s Abilities
Empowering Children: How to Build Self-Esteem

Accentuate The Positive
http://www.drkoop.com  –  Parenting and Children's Health Center
by Randye E. Cohen, Ph.D.

Someone, years ago, gave me a funny children’s picture book entitled “Where’s the Baby?” by Patricia Hutchins. It struck me like a two-by-four and offers me a vision of parenting that I wish I could sear in my brain -- and my heart.

The book is quite simple. There are only four characters: Grandma, Ma, sister Hazel and Baby. (They are green monsters.) Baby essentially goes mischievously from room to room eluding discovery and leaving a wake of mess and destruction. He leaves footprints on the floor and handprints on the wall. He covers every surface, empties every drawer, spills red paint all over and damages furniture. He overflows the tub and stuffs the toilet with toys.

You get the picture. It is over the top.

As we follow the three monsters in their search for Baby, their reactions form a pattern. Hazel leads the search and is matter-of-fact in her observations. Ma’s reactions range from alarmed, incredulous, frightened, horrified, dismayed and freaked out to resigned.

Grandma, in sharp contrast, not only stays steady as a keel, but also exclusively notices traces of Baby’s assets. Whenever she encounters a devastated room, she takes delight in her grandchild's accomplishments.

Her statements celebrate his skills and knowledge:

“He’s a help in the kitchen. He’s good at painting! What a lot he can do, he’s been cleaning the living room chimney for you. To turn on the cold faucet he must know blue is cold and the red one is hot! He must have opened [the door] on his own, I keep forgetting how much he’s grown! He must have been trying to read [the books] himself, and look how he tried to write on the wall. It's hard to believe he's a baby at all.”

Grandma is cheerful, reassuring and comforting to her daughter, and absolutely unrelenting in her ability to see the baby’s fine qualities.

Why am I so taken by this book? One could argue that Grandma is senile and handicapped -- unable to comprehend the reality of her grandchild's out-of-control behavior.

I prefer to see Grandma as a noble role model. Grandma represents the steady, loving gaze of parenthood that I aspire to. Not to deny that our children make messes and get into trouble. Sometimes the real effects of the trouble they create are benign and sometimes they are serious. But what a wonderful, character-affirming stance Grandma assumes and will not relinquish, no matter how extreme the evidence.

I admire her ability to sift through the muck and mine the gold in the situation. Her messages to Baby are clear and unequivocal: You are skilled, knowledgeable and good. I have faith and trust in you. I love you.

This stance reminds me of the philosophy of Nan Henderson, M.S.W., a national speaker, writer and consultant, who highlights the importance of fostering “resiliency” and wellness in our youth. She describes a resiliency attitude that we can adopt in our relationships with our children that may be crucial in helping them to succeed in the face of life’s obstacles.

This is the heart of it: Focus on your child’s assets. “I see what is right with you. Your strengths are more powerful than your problems. No matter what your past, you can be successful in the future. We will work together to find a way for your success.”

Randye E. Cohen is a lecturer in the department of psychiatry at Dartmouth’s Hitchcock Medical Center and a psychotherapist in private practice in Vermont. Her column is not a substitute for therapy. Reprinted from www. drkoop.com a super site for parenting and children’s health issues.

This information is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice. You should not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease without consulting with a qualified healthcare provider. Please consult your healthcare provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding your condition.

Date Published: July 19, 2000 Visit our Raising Kids  "http://www.drkoop.com/family/childrens/raisingkids.asp