Think about your responses and try to say yes as often as possible. You will be surprised at the positive effect it has on your family

A gentleman who is a father, grandfather, and foster parent made an excellent point that is worth sharing. Bob said that in his years of parenting he had learned an important lesson: “Say 'no' as little as possible.”

But wait a minute, aren't parents supposed to be ones to say “no?” I had to think about this. There are times when “no” is the only possible reply. That is obvious, but is that the only time we say no?

We say no for a variety of reasons:

No, it's too inconvenient!

If a child's request would take time or energy, we say “no”. Where is the parent who has more than enough time or energy? In the chaos of daily living we forget the real priorities in our life. Children deserve a “yes” when it is possible.

When our kids are small, they always need our help in doing something. Every requests means getting up, stopping, or otherwise interrupting what WE are trying to do to help them with what THEY are trying to do.

Believe me, I said my share of 'no's' just because I didn't want to take the time or make the effort. My children were always thinking up things to do that required my assistance in some small part. I don't like interruptions and there was always something “important” going on. My true inner desire was to say, “No, not now, not ever! Can't you see I'm busy.” Children never seem to need our help at a convenient stopping point.

Instead of aggravation, I tried to focus on the fact that they WERE THINKING and being creative when they come to me for help. When the kids interrupted asking for help, I tried to say “yes.” To do so, I had to focus on the positive aspects and ignore the frustrations of being interrupted. By thinking, “My, but that is creative” or “I'm so glad they know how to entertain themselves,” I didn't mind the request and saying “yes” was easier.

No, I can't handle MORE work!

We also tend to say “no” when a child's request will result in

more work for us as parents. This is when we need to say “yes, and...”. “Yes, and you may clean it up afterwards.” “Yes, and you can help me finish this task first.” Agreements and compromises can take the place of “no's”.

No, it's dangerous!

We often say an immediate “no” when our children ask permission to do anything that is not absolutely safe. Perhaps it is an instinctive reply to protect our children. We must weigh the risk carefully against our children's need to explore their capabilities. Overly-protective parents seem to only notice the risk. If the risk is not too great and the consequences are reasonable (minor cuts and scrapes and bruises are normal for childhood), we need to say “Yes, go ahead and try it.” Children will have a lot of fun and develop remarkable agility and self-assurance. Minor injuries do heal.

As children get older, the risks change in character and we can no longer supervise every moment. The consequences now include serious mistakes as well as physical injury. Saying “no” to requests becomes an automatic reply if we are not careful. The only way our children will learn is by making their own mistakes. If the consequences will not be too severe, we need to say “yes” at every opportunity. Only by giving our children responsibility and allowing them to experience the consequences of their own actions will they become responsible persons.

It is never easy to stop protecting our children, but we can't do it forever and letting the ties stretch a little at a time is preferable to the child's struggle to break the ties completely.

No, ...oh well, okay.

What happens if we say “no” too quickly and then change our minds? If we say “no” too quickly, our children will see the unfairness of the situation and will feel shut out and ignored because we didn't even consider their requests. I tell my children, “IF I say “no” too quickly and you feel that it is unfair, ask me if we can discuss it.” I can't tolerate arguing but a discussion is different.

As soon as a child says, “Can we discuss it?”, I know whether or not I've said “no” too quickly. If I did say a too quick “no”, I will say “yes” to the discussion. I ask them for their “yes” reasons and listen to every explanation. Then I give them my reasons for the “no”. We work out compromises or arrangements and we all feel satisfied in the end.

Elaine Gibson can be reached at egibson@seas.smu.edu

To read more of Elaine’s fine articles visit her web site at http://www.smu.edu/~egibson/thoughts.html

THERE IS NOTHING DIFFICULT AT ALL ABOUT MAKING A BRAT.  FOLLOW THESE SIMPLE RULES:

1.         Always tell your child to do something 2, 3, 4 maybe even 5 times or more. Your child will instantly know that you are an idiot, and that what you want her to do is not important - to you or to her.

2.         Get angry! Yell and scream and throw your hands about. Especially get angry at your spouse, when yelling at your kid. Attack your child personally. "What's the matter with you?! " Why do you do this all the time?!" "Are you stupid??!!" "I know you aren't stupid, Why do you do this dumb stuff?" There are many other excellent lines to tell your child you think of him with contempt.

3.         Do for your child what he should do for himself. Drive him to school because he forgot the special club meeting. Take his forgotten lunch to him. Help him out with the project he forgot. Replace lost money.

4.         Call your spouse to discipline the child. Pick up the phone and make Daddy come home from work. Ignore the child until Mama does something about it. Tell Mama “Your child is . . .”

5.         FEEL GUILTY! Of course, always let your child know that you feel guilty.

6.         Give your child money as he asks for it. Try as hard as you can to get him everything he wants – call it “needs”. Let your child get rewards whimsically, accidentally and as a product of conniving or whining. Teach him that the world is a magical place, and not a world of consequences, of cause and effect.

7.          ARGUE. Always argue with your child.

8.         Get involved in fights between or among your children.

9.         Ignore your child when he is quiet and productive. Always deprecate his achievements, “Only a B?!” “When I was in Little League I was a Starter.” "What's wrong with you?” “Not now, I'm too busy to look at your drawing...” “Mother!!!! Can't you keep your kid out of my hair when I'm working???”

THESE NINE PRINCIPLES OF CHILD REARING are guaranteed to produce a bonafide brat who will be mouthy, spoiled, and a genuine pain in the neck.

YOU DON'T WANT A BRAT? Try these rules.

1.         Tell your child clearly, firmly exactly what it is you want done. Insist it be done NOW. There is no such thing as a kid who won't do it the first time. Ninety percent of the time when a child doesn't follow directions at school, he isn't given urgent directions at home.

2.         Be specific and clear in your request and guarantee that it is done immediately. If the child doesn’t act, give him a fine - right now. Make certain that the consequence of failure is immediate, specific, fair, and to the point.  Be businesslike in your transactions with your child. “You didn't carry out the garbage, and I did it for you. That costs you a quarter.” THEN DO IT RIGHT AWAY.  You can choose to keep the fine money in a jar to eventually use for something “you” the parent chooses.

            You must always give an immediate response and calmly state the consequence firmly and explicitly. No threats, no delays. Do it NOW. Or else.

3.         Teach your child the meaning of consequences. A forgotten lunch is a missed lunch. Lost money is lost. Lost gym shoes mean bare feet. If the school won't permit bare feet, lost gym shoes mean $27.85 charged against allowance and the CD player is held by you until the money is paid.

            Teach your child the meaning of collateral. No money to pay for the shoes? You will pawn your bike as collateral - not the bike? then you will give me the CD player to hold until you pay the money.

            Never give money up front without collateral. Give worse than pawnshop value - ie. 1/3 or 1/4 of what it could actually be sold for.  Make your child plan ahead.

4.            Respond IMMEDIATELY to any infraction or omission. Be your own authority. Teach the child to respect you by being respectable. Firm. Fast. Fair. Never defer a response until mama is there, or wait for daddy. Deal with problems as they arise quickly and directly, even if you are wrong.

5.            Disappointment or hurt is sometimes needed to learn and grow. If it hurts you to see your child's necessary disappointment - PUT ON A MASK! Or, let the child know “I’m sorry you can't go to the play, but it is important that you learn to be your own boss - to be in charge of your own money....” Sometimes these pious talks are not useful to the child and it may be just as valuable merely to be firm. No, you cannot go to the play, you did not do the lawn and IT MUST BE DONE NOW.

• You have no reason to feel guilty unless you are guilty of using crummy tactics - being angry and shrewish, laying a guilt trip on your kid, calling names, telling the kid how he is driving you to an early grave, etc.

• If you have made a mistake, admit it. There is nothing more wholesome and growth enhancing than an adult saying to a child or to a spouse “I’m sorry, I made a mistake, I was wrong.” In fact, you may be delighted at the impact such an unusual statement will have if you say it to your spouse.

6.         Around age four start giving your child a regular allowance. It should be large enough to cover the regular expenses for one week. Let him make mistakes. Let him buy too much candy or junk and find out what it is like to have no money. Create jobs to earn extra money; but these should not be ordinary household tasks like cleaning his own room, doing dishes, carrying the garbage. These ordinary chores should be known to be trades for you giving him his room and meals and doing the laundry. Still, if you can't figure out other jobs, make sure there is something he gets paid for doing.

7.         Realize that no parent ever won an argument with a child. Also look in the mirror and tell yourself that there is no such thing as a genetically argumentative child. Arguing is learned (guess who teaches it??). Tell the child firmly and simply the action you wish and shut up. It is sensible to embed a reason in any request; but much of the actions you want from a child are reasonable on their face. Do not accept dilatory tactics. “In a minute,” “Just let me finish this, Mom,” “Aw, Dad, can’t I watch the rest of this first?” Try hard to be reasonable, but be firm.

8.         Fights in a family are always cause for a fine for all participants. If you are dealing with other people's kids who have a long habit of bully/victim, you may try to reward both of them without any comment and blow their little minds by your calm, and accepting attitude which signals “I am in charge, I am paying attention and I know what is happening.” But be prepared to fine or provide logical consequences. Brothers and sisters who are he closest as adults had the least interference between them as children.

9.         Go to SeaWorld and look at the dolphins and SHAMU. Meditate on the fact that there are no bratty SHAMU's or dolphins. All their performances are made up of actions they never, ever take in the wild ocean. They are never punished.

            Trainers reward SHAMU's slightest movement toward the ultimate act the trainer wants. Nobody starts off training SHAMU by saying “Ok, do a back flip.” The trainer has to figure out what the parts of the back flip constitute. Parents have to figure out what the parts of being “respectful” constitute. You have to define “honest,” “achieving” and all those other abstract goals you have for your children. You have to define these words in specific ways understandable to kids.

            It is interesting to think about the fact that when dolphins or orcas\ are sulking or seem uninterested in work, the trainers dump a whole basket of fish into the tank. SHAMU usually cheer up and get to work.

Try to find ways to remind yourself to CATCH YOUR KID BEING GOOD.

Resource: www.cuddletime.com

• Teach them little common courtesies. Thank you and excuse me go a long way in establishing mutual respect and acceptance. Use it consistently and teach them lovingly to use it.

• Compliment – Find success in each child’s day. Notice the tiny positive things and compliment them. Pick one issue at a time and watch and encourage the growth of the child. Let them know you see the improvement or difference

• Avoid unkind remarks. Hold your tongue. Let them know you are holding your own tongue and that it is hard to keep unkind thoughts to yourself sometimes.

• Catch them being good and make a big deal about it. Let your spouse know of the good behavior in front of the child.

• Tell your friends when the child succeeds and does well. Let them know you care about their successes.

• Take time to listen. Housework can wait. Dinners can be reheated. Listen to their hurts, complaints and joys.

• Positive words are vital to nourish a child’s heart and growth. So when a child brings home a poor paper, use the opportunity to build and encourage instead of tear down. “Ooh, I can see you have really struggled with this, this is tough isn’t it. Let’s see if you and I can team up and figure out how to make this easier.”