Children’s mental health professionals increasingly are identifying “Reactive Attachment Disorder” (RAD) as a key feature in the complex array of diagnoses carried by older children with many behavior problems. Youth with RAD destructively struggle with forming lasting relationships. They did not get their basic needs for protection, belonging or consistent care during their first three years. They experienced significant abuse or neglect, had too many caregivers or had severe chronic pain, that no caregiver could ease. These youth lack the experience to know “in their bones” that they can be safe or that loving can bring joy and comfort. They therefore approach the world with the emotional skills of toddlers, unsure of what event or feeling is going to throw them off balance next. They cope by trying to control everyone else around them through demanding, clinging, taking things, blaming, arguing or by isolating and shutting off their awareness of their body, thoughts or feelings. Behind all these behaviors are very anxious children stuck in the “fight, flight or freeze” reactions of trauma survivors.

Taking on the challenge of fostering a child with early attachment trauma might well be one of the most difficult parenting tasks imaginable. The child will place all his expectations, fears, hurt and anger onto any caregiver willing to take up and stay with that Nurturer - Limit Setter - Teacher role. Yet this is exactly the kind of relationship a child needs to spark his own developmental growth. So here’s the question: How can a foster parent remain sane and try to successfully do this kind of “re-parenting” the toddler in the eight, twelve or sixteen-year-old? Here are a few tips from seasoned foster parents who have been walking this road with kid before we ever knew to call it “RAD.”

• “You have to have a passion for it” Fostering a child who may never be able to respond to your parenting with affection or cooperation is not for most adults who want to make a difference in a child’s life. The sense of “thank you” must come from your spiritual base, your strong sense of self or your “calling”, not from what is happening day-to-day with the child. Be alright with “acting the bonafide fool” in that child’s eyes, trusting that your reward will come years later as you watch this now woman caring for and talking to her own child with the very words you used with her!

• “Personalizing the angry or destructive worlds of a child with attachment trauma leads to sure burnout. “Don’t go there.” This is a child who can’t see you yet as a separate person with your own thoughts and feelings. You are a means to an end at that moment or a stand in  for all the adults who have disappointed or hurt him before. Refuse to accept martyrdom as the price of parenting.

• The next time your child invites you into a power struggle through triggering your hot spots, try breathing deeply, place your attention elsewhere, do something playful and unexpected (like a somersault), think about a Hawaii beach, redirect your child’s body and brain toward some other more interesting activity, or let him know that there will be a consequence for his actions, but you will let him know later what it will be. Any and all of these reinforce your modeling of self-control, help de-escalate the “survivor-fight” state he too often finds himself in, and reinforce safety. He gets to be the kid, and you get to be the adult who isn’t going to abdicate your job of caring for him even when you are angry.

• Keep the big picture in mind, i.e. your perspective on who this child is and what you are trying to accomplish with him always in front of you. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t try to undo what harm was done before because you can’t. This is where having a team to check in with (social worker, other foster parent, family, therapist, neighbor, teacher) really make a difference.

• Find some small thing to celebrate each day; sitting on the couch together and watch a movie, making a moment of eye contact while baking cookies in the kitchen, playing a sweaty game of basketball or listening to music and tapping out rhythms. These are “attachment moments” that allow the child to positively take you in without having all his defenses operating on “full alert.” Do something you like doing or are passionate about with the child, it can fill your tank back up, at least for a little while.

• Maya Angelou once said . . . “I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.” Teaching reciprocity or “give and take” is one of the most essential lessons to offer a child who only knows how to get his basic needs met through withdrawal or manipulation. You do this through repeatedly coaching the child the first principle of negotiation - you get some of what you want when I get some of what I want. A youth with these issues is often very motivated by material stuff though he pretends to be apathetic about almost anything. So say something like this to show him how give and take works in a family: “I will be glad to give you fifteen minutes of Nintendo time after you share two things about what happened at school today.”

• Finally, see yourself as someone who is often called to use the “glue gun” helping place this disorganized and terrified kid back together after life frustrations happen and until he knows better how to do this for himself. You might say, “I see how angry your body is getting right now, and you are still Jesse.” “Your behavior is showing me that you need to stay close to me right now (‘time in’ vs ‘time out’). “Help me finish sorting these beans.” “I see the silly part of you coming out, man you can be so funny.” Yes, these are tools of the parent of a two-year-old, but if respectfully delivered are right for meeting the two-year-old in a teen. Remember that your task is to help this child do developmental catch-up. It takes a child-like spirit to invite the little kid within the tough teen to come on out. Have you seen your own child spirit lately? Bring it out and good luck.

Prepared by Krista Nelson - Project Coordinator of the Wilder Foundation Center for Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder in St. Paul, with advice from Wilder Foundation Foster Parents. Krista can be reached at 651-642-2084 or through email at KMN2@wilder.org