Attachment

• Types of Attachment

• Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome

• Stories from the trenches
      Fostering Attachment

Within 24 hours of getting her, I was sure that I had made a terrible mistake. Two weeks earlier, when I saw her for the first time, my first thought had been, "Don’t do this, Dianne." But she was only 6 years old, and there had to be hope for a 6-year-old child.

Little did I know I was about to become educated about Attachment Disorder, and how living with it can turn an intelligent, reasonably articulate adult into a complete basket case in a matter of weeks.

Within the first hour of picking her up, she was pulling things out of the glove compartment and throwing them out the car window as we were driving down the freeway. My animals wouldn’t go near her after the first day. While tucking her into bed that night, she reached up as if to give me a hug. Then she pulled my hair as hard as she could and said, "Sorry, Mom. It was an accident." That was just the beginning of spending every waking minute looking for ways to hurt me or anyone else.

I was told that this was normal behavior that she would grow out of as she adjusted to the home. Even my own father, who was a real drill sergeant when I was growing up, told me I was being too strict with her. She was so charming with most other people, that many times I was accused of exaggerating the severity of her behavior.

This is how Diane Allred begins her article entitled "The Dream that Turned into a Nightmare," describing her experiences with her adopted child. Foster and adoptive families with love and compassion in their hearts take in children who have never bonded, believing they can make up for the love and caring the child has missed only to discover that the child is incapable of giving or accepting love and only feels extreme anger and rage inside, which translates into violent behavior. These families often are being physically and emotionally abused by the children they are trying to help.

The families of Attachment Disordered children struggle in a private war with their children—a war that others do not realize is occurring. This war leaves them feeling isolated, misunderstood, blamed, demoralized, and confused. Caught up in the child’s reenactment of previous trauma and negative relationships, they live a life similar to prisoners of war and show signs of Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. Most wars are mutually antagonistic. In this war, your child uses hate and rage to push you away. Your caring love and concern must remain strong against all odds if you are to win the war! Remember, your child believes that the world is unsafe, that you are unloving, that s/he is unlovable, that s/he must be in control at all costs if s/he is to survive. Your child believes that you are the enemy and that if you get too close, his/her pain will be unbearable.

Richard Delaney, Ph.D., in his book, Fostering Changes, lists the following as foster parent reaction to living with this chronic stress: feelings of impotence (loss of feeling of control); urge to reject the child; abusive impulses toward the child; emotional withdrawal and depression; feeling like a bad parent; loss of meaning of your existence; stress on significant relationships; development of victim identity; helplessness, hopelessness, and anger/rage.

No one lives with an Attachment Disordered child without being adversely affected! It is important to recognize that this is a normal reaction to chronic, extreme stress and that help is available. It is important that foster care providers dealing with such trauma find ways to put their experiences in perspective; to make sense of what is happening and move positively toward the future. Support and education concerning Attachment Disorder are available.

Reprinted from the Foster Parent Association of Palm Beach County Newsletter, February 1995, 3951 N. Haverhill Rd., Suite 213, West Palm Beach, FL 33417, tel. 800-870-3238 or 407-686-9770, fax 407-686-9769.

Every foster child has some element of attachment disorder. Loss of family members, neigh-borhood and community, coupled with abuse and neglect in multiple forms. . . It is "normal" for them to lack trust. Inability to trust leads to a lack of empathy, sincere communication, positive touch, and honesty. They cope to the best of their ability.

How can we reach them? Humans not being machines; there is no step-by-step manual to follow. Each child and each family are unique. We must constantly experiment, while remaining consistent, of course. Here are a few suggestions from my own trials and errors.

Hang pictures

I buy inexpensive picture frames at garage sales. I regularly frame pictures the kids have made. I point out concretely what I like about the pictures: bright colors, the mood, texture, a beautiful sun. I don’t let them tell me it isn’t a good picture. I tell them the specific things I like about it. Sometimes I find the picture mixed in with old school papers. The child comes home from school to find it hanging prominently in the house, framed. It gives them a place here.

One time I took a child to a neighbor’s house who has a photography hobby. Pictures of their two children hung all over. The adults were busy talking, and I noticed my fifteen-year-old seeming very upset and unhappy. I took her aside and asked what was wrong. "The pictures! They’re everywhere!" she blurted and burst into tears. She has very few pictures. I told her, if she had been my baby, I would have taken lots of pictures of her too, that I wished I could have done that for her. I did find a special, glowing picture of her, enlarged it to 8 x 10, and hung it in the entry way. Our family portrait, which includes all the children, hangs on another wall. These kids have a place here, even after they’re gone. We want them to feel connected.

Make Discoveries

Part of a baby’s attachment comes in discovering the five senses with a care giver. Touching and counting fingers and toes, playing peek-a-boo, tasting new sensations, smelling fragrances, seeing mobiles, listening to lullabies. We can discover the senses anew in age-appropriate ways with older children. Kaleidoscopes and pinwheels are a good way to discover the world of sight. Painting with watercolors, blending colored pencils help us explore. Reading books aloud, we enjoy sounds and fire our imaginations. Music lessons teach us touch, harmony, rhythm, discipline (practice, practice, practice), and more. A casual arm over the shoulder while we go for a walk is a non-threatening way to touch. Or we hold hands and play games as we walk--walking in step, marching, doing dance steps. We try to be free and creative. Artwork and crafts push the envelope with our ability to create, touch, and see.

We do a lot of cooking and baking together from a child-friendly cook book. We like the Disney Family Cookbook--well organized, lots of tempting photographs, simple directions. The kids pick something to make, we make a grocery list, and get cooking. This involves all the senses: sound (crunching apples), smell (cinnamon!), touch (hot, moist), sight (muffins rising), and taste (yum).

Have fun

Sharing positive experiences builds a common bond and history. It creates memories. Riding on a Ferris wheel, learning to ski, paddle a canoe, cook over a campfire. So many of our kids have never gone camping before. We teach them skills, build self esteem, cooperation, and teamwork. We enjoy theater, concerts, even if it is the highschool or community production. Kids learn that music and drama can lead to a worthwhile hobby, even if they don’t turn into Spice Girls or Backstreet Boys.

Traveling, going out of state is a big deal. It makes a dependent relationship. They need us for food, shelter, and activities in a new and intense way. I once took my daughter alone to a big city, Berlin. We were lost, trying to find the American Express office to get some money. We were talking as we walked along the streets packed with busy shoppers. I said something to her and turned to look at her. I was horrified to see it was someone else. I turned back immediately to look and call for her. I imagined that an international prostitution ring had snatched her away. She was about 20 feet behind. She stood by the building crying. We hugged and sobbed together. She was so scared. I could say, "I was so worried about you. I’m so glad I found you." Later I remember thinking that this was the first time she was totally dependent on me (for food, shelter, travel, communication), helpless as an infant. We made progress on abandonment and attachment issues that day, without ever discussing them directly. Aside from the attachment building, tra-veling makes kids feel important. They can say, "I’ve been to . . . , and I really like it there." It reduces the need to brag and lie. They have something important and true to say.

Provide meaningful work

We work hard and enjoy life, but we need money to live. We have a business at home, so we hire the kids to photocopy, collate, label, etc. (They helped produce this newsletter you’re reading.) Kids learn the value of an hour of work, how much can be accomplished when they concentrate! They are often assigned practical work consequences for misbehavior. The idea is that negative behavior hurts the family, and they have the chance to make it good again. They bring in ten pieces of firewood for disrespectful talk (this multiplies if the disrespect continues). In the summertime they wear leather gloves and pull thistles. Strange to say, but kids have told me they actually like these consequences--it gets them out of doors, away from the person or situation that was stressing them, and gives them a fresh start. Depending on the situation, we may use time-out, writing sentences, having the victim choose the consequence, loss of a privilege, or some other option. Here is where the consistency with flexibility comes in. They do know that a consequence will follow (using the three Rs: reasonable magnitude, related to the offense, and right away). They learn cause and-effect as well as trust.

We regularly talk about people’s careers, what education it takes to do their job, the hours they work, children’s aptitudes, interests, hopes, values, etc. We ask them to picture themselves in 10 or 20 years. What work would they love to be doing then?

Present a united front

My husband and I do our very best never to disagree about discipline in any way in front of the kids. It makes them feel insecure and test the limits more. They have told me that they feared we would get a divorce (their birth parents did). So we talk these things out privately, plan ahead, and present a consistent message to the kids. If they try to tell me

"Dad said . . .," I tell them I’ll talk with him about it later.

The same is true for bus drivers, teachers, social workers, therapists, and any other authority figure in their lives. We strive to establish positive relationships. We offer to help, volunteer, thank these trusted adults for their efforts. We demonstrate respect toward authority and insist on it in our children. At the same time we try to listen well and address legitimate concerns the children may raise.

Tune out

We have a fourteen-year-old with anxiety disorder who loves to argue. It starts with, "Could I just ask a question?" or "Why?" I used to try to be "fair," and "treat him like a friend," so I listened to his questions and answered them. In reality, he used this method to get my attention, try to talk his way out of the consequence, escalate his behavior, or, at the very least, delay its implementation. I got frustrated, and the situation did not improve. Now I state the consequence once. If he asks a question, I tune out, pretend deafness, and walk away. I expect him to cooperate. Amazingly, he usually does. At times I do have to add to the consequence, "Now Randy, you need to get these dishes done, but if you want to argue about it, I’m going to have to assign firewood." "You’re not fair!" "That’s ten pieces."

I never ask, "Did you do . . .?" It’s a set-up for lying. If I know the child did something, I tell them matter-of-factly, "You did this, and here is the consequence." Sometimes they choose their own consequence. Occasionally I could be wrong. I tell them, "If I’m wrong, I sincerely apologize, but consider the things I didn’t catch. I’m sure you come out ahead."

Give gifts

Some "privileges" in our home are gifts. They can’t be earned, and they can’t be unearned. Our kids feel worth-less. They feel they don’t deserve goods and services. And after they get them, they may act out as a result of guilt and shame. The day-to-day rewards (TV, special treats, outings, and the like) are earned through cooperation, respect, completing chores, etc. But holidays, vacations, and certain surprises are gifts. No matter what their behavior, they still get them.

We were getting ready to leave for a trip this spring. Our son felt that he didn’t deserve it. One day he got into a fight with a girl and shoved her into a locker. She chipped her tooth. The next day a friend teased him on the playground, saying the girl was going to sue our family. That boy got pummeled so hard and so fast he hardly knew what happened. Our son went into another dimension, time, and place. This was fight or flight, and he fought hard. I worried that taking him on the trip after such a serious transgression would show him lack of accountability. His therapist said we needed to still take him to demonstrate that we really love him. This trip is simply a gift because we want to give it, no strings attached. It was a turning point for this boy. It was an opportunity to demonstrate unconditional love. He got his school consequence after we returned.

Gifts also gives us a little flexibility, so we can get back on the right track with a child who is being particularly oppositional.

Be real

Let kids know you care, that you will stand up for them when they’re right, and hold them accountable when they’re wrong. Help them with connections: friends, sports, music, scouts, community service.

Be a good listener. Communicate with school and other professionals so you know what’s happening. When they appear unhappy, ask educated questions, "Are you having problems with Emily at school again?" "Did you have a hard time on your science test?" "Are you worried about your quarterly review next week?" Use I statements ("I think I would be nervous") and minimize lecturing. Our 16-year-old was building a volcanic rage just this week. When I asked if she would like to talk, she said, "You never listen. You always yell at me!" So I waited and checked in again later. "Is there something bothering you? Can I help you with it?" "Everybody always lies and swears at me!" Now I could get somewhere, ask questions, find some pieces of truth that I can agree with, and get her thinking. I asked for one example of someone who swore or lied. I wrote it down and told her I would call the principal with this information. About five specific incidents came out. By the time we finished talking about it, she was feeling better. She was trusting that she would be protected.

Practice integrity. Let kids see honesty in big and small ways, open communication, trusting relationships, sharing. Take just one child with you when you spend time with your special friend, someone who also cares about the child. Let them learn about trusted friends by observing and being included.

Let kids see genuine emotions, yours and others’. Demonstrate empathy. Have them help you make and deliver a meal to someone in need. Take them to a funeral, if appropriate. Let them help care for an injured pet. Take them to a baptism, graduation, or wedding. Celebrate with them. Let them see that life is real: success and failure, life and death, happiness and grief. Practice your faith and share it with them--not that they have to believe as you do, but so that they have a starting point for thought, exploration, and discussion.

Never give up

This is the hardest. We have to be more strong willed than our children. In our line of work it is normal to feel stress, anxiety, or depression at times. Our kids bring major crises into our lives. We have to be stronger than we thought possible. If all kids test limits, our kids test them more and harder and longer. But if we can pass the tests, it will get easier over time.

Our biggest test came a year ago. Our adopted ten-year-old daughter went into major depression, attempted suicide, and in the aftermath accused us of child abuse. Her goal was to get out of the family. She said she wanted to be unadopted. We told her, "That’s not an option. We love you, and we’re not letting you go." Her behavior was hostile, angry, constantly rejecting. It was excruciating. Her biological brother said, "If she goes, I go." We knew we had to survive this crisis, or the whole family could disintegrate. We got through the allegation, and we got through to the child. Our therapist was a great help. She pointed out that anger toward us is a signal of feeling, which can be healed, unlike apathy, which is a lack of feeling. So we had something to work with. The child still has issues, obviously, but it’s getting easier. Yet we had to set safety limits on what we could tolerate and for how long. This made it possible for us to cope. We also sought out support, leaned on friends and family during this agonizing time. We talked about our struggles openly. This helped immensely. If our daughter would have had to leave for a time for safety reasons, we would have maintained regular contact. We would continue to call and let her know we care, even if only to hear her say, "I hate you. Don’t call me," while slamming the phone down.

I hope I have offered some practical suggestions on day-to-day living with attachment disordered children. All children present challenges. It’s like putting your toe in ice cold water. Living with attachment-disordered children is like jumping in over your head, with a few alligators thrown in for good measure. But if we put our whole hearts into it, seek extraordinary support (faith community, strong friends, training, support group, positive social workers, etc.), we can make a difference in a child’s life. We need to focus on helping the child develop into the best person he or she can become, helping him or her find purpose, regardless of current or past behavior, and regardless of handicaps, hurdles, and crises.